Cinco de Me Oh Mayo

Hey, folks, remember me?

Sorry it's been such a long time since the last update. I wish I could say it was because I've been too busy auditioning young starlets for my new movie, but unfortunately that's not the case. I've just been lazy. Is there any better excuse in the world than that? None more honest, at least for me anyway. But I do have a tale or two, so hopefully I can refresh your memories of that long-haired hippy freak who sends those annoyingly long e-mails.

First off, some bad news. We were burglarized. Well, actually, only Marie was burgled, I was just rummaged through. Out of all the electronic, video, audio equipment, CDs, DVDs, and all purpose junk in our apartment, they were only interested in jewelry. Every tiny nook and cranny in both our bedrooms was completely overturned, every shoe box, moving box, or anything that could've contained something small was searched. Marie lost jewelry, but it was mostly of a sentimental value. I guess they didn't realize that robbing a starving actress and writer was probably not the best choice. What really surprised me was that the attack kitties didn't leap to our rescue. I guess the Purr Patrol was taking a break that day. They definitely had fun playing with the fingerprint technicians when they came by. Soon after the dusting, instead of one black cat with white and one white cat with black, we had two fluffs of gray. In the end, I think Marie and I were both thankful that it wasn't any worse than it was. Also, it was a lucky break that I ran some errands and came home several hours later than usual. I hate to think what might have happened had I walked in on them in the act.

Okay, on to lighter things. More bad news for me, but no where near on the same order. I lost on Jeopardy. Well, actually, I lost on the audition for Jeopardy. I went to try out, and you sit in a room with about 50 other hopefuls. They give you a piece of paper and a Jeopardy pen (I did get to keep the pen. Nifty!), and almost immediately start in with the questions. You sit in a small conference room watching a video of questions that looks just like the show, only no Trebek. It's just question after question, written in that familiar white on blue, read by some guy. You have 8 seconds to answer each question, and there are 50. Yikes. It was soooo hard!! The first 20 or so questions killed me. I think I actually got all the rest, but I think they put the hard ones up front just to rattle you. Anyone know the capitol of Nicaragua? Well, it's not "The letter N," which is what I put. I figure as long as somebody had to read it, I might as well write something entertaining. Alas, now that I have Jeopardy-quested and failed, I'm not allowed to try again for another year. Look out, Price Is Right!

I was at the chili cocaine place the other day, enjoying my usual bowl, when a couple of ladies next to me were commenting on the fact that I got the hot stuff, and then even added peppers to it. That sparked interest from a couple of guys further down the bar, and soon a casual discussion turned into a challenge. Apparently, the chili cocaine place makes a hot sauce called "Dave's Insanity Sauce." Now, I like my food spicy, but I've never considered myself one of the iron-stomached, asbestos-tongued die-hard hot food connoisseurs, but much like Marty McFly in Back to the Future III, I'm always up for a dare. The fellow issuing the challenge, I found out after he left, was the son of one of the Everly Brothers. I don't know which one, so it's probably safer just to call him an Everly Nephew. So anyway, he had bought a bottle of the stuff for his dad, but swore he never touched the stuff. I asked the waitress if I could have a sample, and she said No. Huh? "Do you like really, really, really, hot spicy stuff that burns your tongue for a week?" she asks. "Uh, no, not really. But he dared me!" I say. Well that did it, here comes the insanity sauce. While we're waiting, the Everly Nephew and his buddy are telling me horror stories about the stuff. She brings me an opened bottle and gives me a toothpick to use to get just a dab of the dangerous liquid. I stick the toothpick in and try to scoop a bunch out. The waitress and the other guy turn pale, while the Everly Nephew hides his surprise by happily urging me on. By now, with the eyes of a small section of the bar on me, I'm feeling a bit hesitant. All the more reason to go ahead. I put the toothpick in my mouth. A pause. Nothing. That's odd, I think. "So?" asks the Everly Nephew. "What's the big deal?" I say. The Everly Nephew's buddy is staring at me. "Your tongue's not numb?" he says. "Yeah," Everly chimes in, "is your tongue numb yet?" About that time, I started to feel a tingling, burning sensation rise up from several parts of my mouth. Uh oh, I thought, here it comes. I'm in trouble now. I braced myself, grabbed hold of my water, prepped my tear ducts, and waited. ... That was it. It never got much worse. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, but nothing. Now, don't get me wrong, this stuff was definitely hot, but nowhere near what I had been led to expect by their taunting tales of terror. So, I continued my conversation casually. I even went back for another toothpickful. They were astounded. How could this be? You sure it isn't burning? Maybe it just takes a while. I continued eating my chili. Wow, stunned disbelief around the counter. "Well," I said, "I'm from Texas." Ohhhhhhhhhh. A seeming light of understanding crossed their faces. In one meal I went from average patron to lunch counter legend, and managed to boost the state a bit as well.

Speaking of the state, I finally got around to getting my California drivers license. Yes, over a year after moving, I finally got it. The interesting thing was, due to a strange lack of communication between the two states, I almost had to take the actual driving test again. This was a longer story when it happened, but not nearly worth wasting time with here. I went through the difficulty of having the Texas DPS fax the California DMV with proof that I actually was a licensed driver (I wonder if that proof was one of my speeding tickets?), and I was relieved of taking the drivers exam. I have to admit, though, I was sorely tempted to go ahead and take the test. I imagine I would have been a great change of pace from the usual teenage drivers. Not only could I parallel park with ease, I could demonstrate more advanced techniques like changing the radio station with a soda in my hand while cradling a burger and fries in my lap. That would've impressed them!

Okay, well, I'm sure I had about a hundred other things to tell you, but at the moment they all escape me. As far as boring, work-related stuff goes, I'm still transcribing, though a minimum of hours each week. I'm looking, sigh, for a regular job in the meantime. I've made some more good contacts in the industry, but nothing has paid off just yet, though I'm keeping my fingers crossed. My writing has been suffering quite a bit the last month or two, but perhaps I just needed some time off, as evidenced by this e-mail. Anyway, that's all from me this time. I hope all of you are doing very well in every aspect, and I look forward to hearing from you, or visiting and sharing a beer.

Greg

Movie Quote Challenge:

Number 1: "Can I call my mom and tell her I won't be home... ever?"

Number 2: "If you guys know so much about women, how come you're here at the Gas N Sip on a Saturday night, completely alone, drinking beers, with no women anywhere?"

Movie Quote Answers:

Mary Felder was the first to correctly identify both quotes today.

Number 1: Summer School, by Jeff Franklin

Number 2: Say Anything, by Cameron Crowe

Better luck next time, have a great week!

Greg