L.A. Stories

Hey kids, what time is it?

No, not Howdy Doody time, it's update time! A fairly small issue this time, not a lot has happened yet. Anyway, here we go!

4/3 - 4/10 - Spent the week in Houston. I had a great time, even though it seemed kind of soon to be back. Oh, well. To all those I got to visit, thank you very much for your hospitality. To all those I didn't get to visit, I apologize. Start saving your pennies so I can drink beer on your tab next time!

4/12 - Went to The Roxy to see Echobrain. The Roxy is a cool rock-n-roll club almost as famous as The Whiskey-a-Go-Go (which I'll be going to May 15, but that's another story). Echobrain is the new band put together by Jason Newsted. Jason Newstead is the former bassist for Metallica. If you don't know who Metallica is, well, shame on you. Why anyone would leave Metallica is beyond me, but there he was. I wanted to write quite a bit about the opening "band," but I'm not sure if I'm up to it now. I'll give it a shot. Picture two guys on stage, one wearing what appeared to be a Domino's Pizza delivery jacket, running feverishly between two synthesizers. No, not musical instruments, but keyboards hooked up to computers. It was as if playing pre-recorded techno music was actually a performance. It was very strange. But they were definitely enjoying themselves, unlike the audience who seemed to be oblivious to anyone even being on stage, much like I was for the first 5-10 minutes.

Anyway, on to the main act. Echobrain was not very good. Jason Newsted was definitely playing his heart out, and was fantastic, but he had an enthusiasm that seemed totally out of place. It was sort of like seeing Mike Ditka coaching a little league football team. Sometimes a great performer can elevate a band, other times the band can degrade the performer. This was definitely an example of the latter. On the plus side, I was able to get a few feet from Newsted, which is about 1/100^th the distance I could expect at a Metallica show. Also, as Marie noticed, we didn't smell like smoke after the show, since people can't smoke in the bars in L.A. Definitely a bonus.

On another note, I have to mention something just because I was out at a club on a Friday night. Many people have asked me about the famed "L.A. Woman." You know, bleached blonde hair, blue eyes, big... basically just picture Pamela Anderson, except with more... or with less... ah, just picture Pamela Anderson. Well, anyway, yes, the stereotype does exist, and is actually quite plentiful. I would start a count much like the PAP (Phonies Against Phonies. I need to get a better acronym), but I'm afraid there just wouldn't be a point. My LAW (L.A. Women) count would be far too high. I've seen at least one almost every day I've been here. So let's just say the LAW factor for this particular show was pretty high. Perhaps I should consider myself an anthropologist studying them in their natural habitat. Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and be able to experience their mating rituals.

4/13 - I finally had a chance to go to the beach. Woo hoo! It was a beautiful sunny day, and I took a drive on a great canyon road all the way to Santa Monica. However, what I was unaware of was that the climate and temperature at the beach is very different from what it is at my apartment. I expected it to be colder, but it was overcast and rainy and not good. I watched "surfers" on the ocean. I use quotes because I rarely got to see them surf. They were more like "waiting-to-surfers." Dozens of black wet-suited dudes floating off the coast waiting for the Big One. Boring.

Next I went on to walk along the Promenade, which is not the same as the Boardwalk. The Promenade is a street closed off to cars so that people can promenade among the shops. I've also discovered that almost all entertainment in L.A. revolves around shopping, but I guess that's to be expected. Of course it was littered with people, tourists, homeless people, and street performers. This included a 10 year-old kid playing Hotel California on electric guitar (almost as cliché as hearing House of the Rising Son in New Orleans).

Now we get to the good part. I stopped into a resale shop, although this is not the good old Salvation Army kind, but a vintage clothing shop where they buy stuff at resale shops, re-price it and sell it as classic clothing. By habit, I immediately head to look for Hawaiian shirts. Much to my surprise (and delight) they had a whole *rack* for nothing but. Score! But as I looked through this goldmine of gaudy garments, I saw something that would forever change my life. Ladies and gentlemen, there I found The World's Ugliest Hawaiian Shirt. Many of you are probably shocked to hear me, of all people, use the concept of "ugly" and "Hawaiian shirt" in the same sentence, but there it was. I will try my best to describe it, though I'm afraid the words may not exist. It was startling. This was a shirt that in the sunshine looked like other shirts do under a blacklight. There were colors that could not possibly exist in nature. They probably shouldn't have been created by man, let alone placed next to each other on a shirt. There were five shades of green, three shades of purple, reds, yellows, oranges, and a pink which was far beyond what would be called "hot." The pattern, maybe I shouldn't use that term because it implies consistency, was somewhat symmetrical. The design included flowers, paisleys, spikes, stars, ovals, spikes, and swirls. It was by far the most hideous thing I have ever seen. In the end, all I can say is thank God it was in my size.

4/15 - 4/18 - I started my job at The Transcription Company. That's capitalized not for emphasis, but because that's actually the name of the company. I would like to go into more detail about it, but this update is running longer than anticipated and more importantly, I'm still in training, so not many tales to tell yet. I'm sure it is going to be very interesting.

4/19 - We found it! Finally, after very little searching, we have discovered our neighborhood bar. It's called Duffy's, which alone is good because it reminds me of Homer Simpson's favorite beer. Second, and best of all, the bartenders gave us free shots as long as we drank them with them! Ya gotta love a bar where the bartenders drink with ya! The shot was called an Irish Car Bomb. I'm not really sure what was in it, but it was made by dropping a shot glass of something into a cocktail glass of Guinness. It is then necessary to slam this drink, which tastes amazingly like a chocolate shake. That's a bad thing for me, but I managed to struggled past it.

That's enough for now.

LA Survival Tips - This Issue: Grocery Stores

The main grocery store chain here is called Ralph's. It's a pretty pleasant place, like any grocery store, but there's more:

-They carry Shiner Bock. Granted, it's not my favorite beer, but it was surprising to see it nonetheless. It was a pleasant connection back to Texas when I first arrived.

-They sell liquor. Though this isn't a draw for me, they have probably more selections in the straight alcohol department than beer. You name it: brandy, vodka, rum, whiskey, tequila (well, not good tequila).

-They have 13-inch color LCD displays in the check-out lanes. Not for the cashiers, but for the people waiting in line. There's a main pane that shows cartoons and quick cooking recipes, there's a bar on the bottom that has the current sports scores, there's a part on the side that has the weather and news headlines. I should have known that in L.A. it would be impossible to escape from television, even while standing in line.

-They have the good old fashioned conveyor belts. You get to unload all your groceries yourself, which I think is great fun! People are quite serious about the divider bar, too. On a side note, I heard a story about a cashier who actually tried to scan one of the divider bars. After trying very hard to find the bar codes, the customer saved her and just said he didn't want it.

-The sackers are just as terrible as everywhere else. What happened to job quality in the sacker profession? When I was a member of this proud trade, we were actually instructed how to pack the perfect bag. Now, I'm happy to get more than four items in a bag. I've tried everything. I've tried paper and plastic. In paper I've had placed a 12-pack of Coke. In plastic I've had a bag with nothing but a loaf of bread in it. I've even used the conveyor belt to my best advantage by ordering the items as they should be placed in the bag, but to no avail. It is a sad, sad comment on the youth of America.

Now here's the part you've all been waiting for, Movie Quote Trivia! Good luck!

Number 1: "Jeff, do you think a murderer would let you see all that? That he wouldn't pull the shades down and hide behind them?"

Number 2: "Is that... is that hair gel?"

Until next time, be good.

Greg

Movie Quote Answers:

The first to correctly identify *both* quotes was Patrick Reilly.

The first was from Rear Window (one of my all-time favorites) written by John Michael Hayes.

The second was from There's Something About Mary, written by Ed Decter & John Strauss, and Peter & Bobby Farrelly.

Thanks for playing, good luck next time!

Californy Away We Go

Howdy howdy, kids!

I'm sending out a supplemental update because I'll be in Houston some of this and next week (4/4 - 4/10) and I wanted not only to let you know I'd be around, but also so that next week you wouldn't think I'd forgotten about my audience. (I won't use the word "fans" until I've made it big. Then I can forget all about you.)

So, on with the update.

3/24 - Oscar Night Party! Technically, this should have been in the last update, but technically I forgot. In keeping with a long tradition, my roommate Marie (from now on, I'm not going to make this introduction), hosted an Oscar Party. Normally, it has been a requirement to dress as a character from the year's movies, but I couldn't find my Shrek outfit, so we let it go this year. However, we did have groovy snacks like Lord of the Ring Dings, Gosford Pork Rinds, MeMentos, and of course, Shrek Shots. The last of these were to be taken on any mention of Shrek, but towards the end of the evening we started mentioning it ourselves just to "get rid of them." A fun time was had by all, and I won for most correctly picked winners (Oops, I mean "Oscar goes to's"). Of course, a lot of that has to do with good guessing on categories where no one has ever seen the movies.

3/26 - Went to see the Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn again. Craiggers. It's a lot more fun than watching a taping of a sitcom because you're only in there for a couple of hours. The 30-minute sitcoms can take as long as four hours or more. Anyway, they didn't have John Cleese! He had taped earlier. However, they made up for it by having Paul Reiser tape for his show two days early. The mixing and matching of show segments throughout the week is pretty interesting. The stage is so small, they tape the bands before the show, and Craiggers isn't even there. At the end of the show he just says "Let's hear it for" then immediately follows it up with "Wow, wasn't that just great?" Welcome to show biz.

3/27 - Woo hoo! I got the transcription job! I'm no longer destitute (though donations are still accepted) and I get to talk to a computer all day. I just hope it doesn't give me any lip, or heads will roll.

3/28 - Met with Faith, a friend of Marie's. Upon hearing I was a writer, that somehow immediately qualified me to critique her script. Yikes. I'm not perfect, but let's just say I now understand why good writers are sought after out here. Hopefully I can fill that need, or else we're in store for a lot more of the same old clichés in the movies.

Later that night, she took me to a place called the Barsac. An oddly snooty restaurant/bar, considering the name. Anyway, I got to meet a lot of her friends in the business, which was voice-over work. Everyone there worked as cartoon character voices, commercial voice-over people, etc. It was pretty cool. I met one girl, Kimtai, who is the "Voice of Sears." This is apparently a title of great distinction. I asked her all about tools and lawnmowers, but unfortunately that's not her department. I heard that the "Voice of Vonn's" (a local grocery store) was also present, but sadly I didn't get to meet him.

Alright there you go - that's my week.

LA Survival Tips - This Issue: Radio

LA is famous for having cool radio, and it's pretty true. I've been listening to two stations almost exclusively.

KROQ - This is the LA version of The Buzz, or rather I should say the reverse. They play all sorts of cool things that you either haven't hear in 10 years or have never heard before. They are no where near as repetitive, and it's difficult keeping up. They play so many songs before breaking for commercials or DJ's, it's really very refreshing.

KLOS - This is the LA version of KLOL. They are sort of a hybrid of Rock and Classic Rock. Like KLOL, but they play a lot more Rush (yay) and The Who (yay) and Metallica (yay). They have daily blocks of Whole Lotta Led, and Mandatory Metallica. It's cool. But by far the coolest thing about it is DJ Jim Ladd. He's the spitting image of Dr. Johnny Fever, and perhaps even the inspiration for that character. He's been around forever, and when he plays, it's a whole evening. He plays album rock, or Deep Cuts as he calls it, which is the songs you've never heard on the radio from the b-side of your favorite album. That song that you love but you didn't think anyone else even knew about. It's awesome.

Okay, that's it. Here are some quotes. They weren't the ones I wanted to use, but I'm still researching those. See you next time kids!

Movie Quote Challenge:

"No matter what anyone tells you, words and ideas can change the world."

"Quite an experience to live in fear, isn't it? That's what it is to be a slave."

Movie Quote Answers:

Congratulations to Mary Felder, the first to answer correctly (extremely quickly, too)!

For the record, the first was from Dead Poet's Society, by Tom Schulman. The second was from Blade Runner, by Hampton Fancher based on a story by Philip K. Dick, Vance. ; )

Better luck next time!

L.A. Non-Confidential

Greetings from La La Land!

First let's answer some of the most common questions: Yes I'm still alive, No I'm not rich and famous yet. Of course I'll keep you posted if either of these conditions change. Sadly, my life has been pretty boring the last couple of weeks, so this update will be pretty short. Now, on to the highlights!

3/12 - Found BJ's, a local brew pub/restaurant. Life is getting a little better, though this place is not as good as the late lamented Bank Draft, nor is the beer as tasty as St. Arnold's, but it's a start. It's more of a restaurant, and definitely some sort of local franchise, but still, how can you resist a place with a beer called the "Natural Blonde?"

3/13 - My roommate and cousin Marie bought me the coolest thing at the grocery store! Homer Simpson's Cinnamon Donut Cereal! Mmmmmmmmmm donuts. I'm not usually a big fan of sugar-coated sugar cereal, but I was willing to make a sacrifice in this case. Besides, it *is* a part of a nutritious breakfast that includes milk, orange juice, toast, eggs, ham, cantaloupe, a granola bar, and vitamin B 12 supplement. For a more detailed description of this Saturday-morning cartoon-watching sugar-rush-producing meal, check out this website:

Homer Simpson Cereal

3/15 - Found Chuy's! Yes, that's right, they have a Chuy's restaurant just up the street. What a relief! Now I won't have to gorge myself on Mexican food and tacky Elvis memorabilia the next time I'm in Houston! Hooray!

3/17 - Marie had been taking acting classes all week, and at the end she brought over a bunch of people from her class. It's not that important, but I mention it because I met a new PAP. His name was Diego, and even though he isn't an actor yet he had that air about him. I'll give him a half PAP point, bringing the total to an even 3.0.

Speaking of actors, you may be wondering how my lucrative career as an extra (or "background actor" as they're called in the biz) is going. Terrible! I'm being discriminated against because I'm a person of no color! Every day I call for work, and every day they are looking for something I'm not. It's not fair! I could be a drug dealer, homeless person, or transient! Also, apparently my long lustrous hair is not desirable either. Even though I had the measurements for the suit, they wouldn't let me be a fireman. I could be a fireman! I wanna be a fireman! sigh. Oh well. Maybe they'll have a casting call for a headbanger concert.

3/20 - I went to a taping of the Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn. It was pretty fun, but man they make you work hard! You can't just sit back and enjoy the show, you've got to hoot and holler and cheer and clap as though this was the best experience of your life. My voice was raw my hands were sore by the end of it. I wore a really bright Hawaiian shirt (surprised?) and tried to get on camera, but I think you could only see me if you had some of that FBI video software that allows you to crop and magnify images 100 times. But I was there! I'm going again this week because the guest is John Cleese. Maybe I'll keep shouting "Ni!" from the audience until they drag me out. That'd get me on camera!

3/21 - I went on sort of a job interview with a transcription company. It wasn't really an interview as much as an audition. The company transcribes the dialog from tv shows into written scripts because sometimes what airs isn't exactly what was written. Plus, interview shows and such don't have scripts. Anyway, they're testing out some new voice-recognition software, so that the transcribers don't type, they just speak into a microphone and the computer does the rest. They call it re-speaking, actually, because you hear the dialog in headphones, then say it again to the computer. It's very weird. I had to sit in this room by myself and have a conversation with a computer. On this test I was reading the dialog from an interview instead of listening to it. "And what did you do then questionmark new paragraph well comma it was comma you know comma kinda difficult period because we didn't comma you know comma have much food and stuff period new paragraph." I haven't found out if I got that job yet. I'm afraid that when they look at the work I did the script will actually say "And then we went two. No, not two, too. Go back! Backspace backspace! C'mon you stupid computer! This sucks."

Alright, that's about all I got this time. I'll try

LA Survival Tips - This Issue: Fast Food

Los Angeles offers a wide variety of fast food restaurants for the discerning palate. Here are some of the local favorites.

Del Taco

Open 24 hours, I think of this as the Whataburger of California, except with Mexican food. Obviously the menu is more like Taco Bell, but all the combo meals come with french fries. I don't exactly understand how fries fit with tacos, but okay. Their fries are the best. They also sell hamburgers to stay competitive and offer a wider variety of items.

Carl's Jr.

This is a hamburger joint, and all the hamburgers come with cheese. Period. This is the home of my personal favorite, the "Six Dollar Burger" which costs $3.95. Their fries are okay.They also sell tacos and burritos to stay competitive and offer a wider variety of items (see Del Taco).

In & Out Burger

The most famous fast food restaurant in the western states. There are five things on their menu: Burger, Cheeseburger, Double-Double, Fries, Shakes. The drive-though menu is very large and clear, having only five things on it. Plus, when going through the drive through instead of asking if you want to super-size it, they ask if you'll be eating in the car. It seemed like a dumb question to me at first, but then I found that they put your food in a neat little tray so it's easier to eat! Cool! Sadly, In & Out has by far the worst fries I've ever tasted. They apparently replaced the word "fried" with "soaked."

Movie Quote Trivia:

Last issues quote was from The Shawshank Redemption, written by Frank Darabont. The line was spoken by Red, played by Morgan Freeman.

The first to correctly answer was Joel "Swiftest" Swift, followed closely by Kevin "Hit the Mark" Marcus, and Tonya "Where's the Bar" Barnett (who was also the only one to also name character and actor).

Now, I heard from everybody that the last quote was too easy. The unfortunate thing about trivia is that you either know it or you don't, so it's difficult to say what is hard and what isn't. However, I will try to be a little more obscure without being impossible. I'll also give two, just 'cause I wanna. These are pretty easy, I think, but I haven't had time to research some really hard ones. Movie title is sufficient.

Number 1: "Looking at the cake is like looking at the future; until you've tasted it, what do you really know? And then, of course, it's too late."

Number 2: "You stay. We belong dead."

Good luck! I'll talk to you later.

Greg

Movie Quote Answers:

Congratulations!

Dale Prasek was the first to correctly identify both quotes.

Quote #1 was from Excalibur, screenplay by John Boorman

Quote #2 was from Bride of Frankenstein, by William Hurlbut

And a clarification about the previous issue's quote. The screenplay was written by Darabont, but the original story came from Stephen King, just as "Bride" came from Mary Shelley.

Second place prize goes to Dan Perez.

See you next time!

Greg

California Dreamer

Hello and welcome to the Giant-sized first issue of my L.A. Newsletter (official title still pending)!

Every other Sunday I'll send out an update highlighting my adventures here in La-La-Land. I've got a lot of ground to cover this issue, so this one's bigger than usual, please bear with me just this once.

First, some apologies:

-I'm sorry that this is the first communication I've had with 90% of you. I know it's rather impersonal, but it took me a while to get settled and I thought this would just be easier.

-Also, I'm sorry for those of you who didn't get this e-mail first-hand. I tried to get as many addresses as possible, but I'm sure I forgot some. Those of you reading this please forward it to anyone who didn't get it but would be interested.

*IMPORTANT* If you would like to add an address, change a current address, or remove yourself from the list entirely (it won't hurt my feelings I promise), let me know.

-Lastly, I'm sorry again for this one being so long. I hope it's entertaining, but I promise the rest won't be so long.

Okay, on with the show!

2/1 - Had a great party at Saint Arnold's. Check out the photos:

Note to self: Photo links no longer valid. Replace later with working links.

2/2 - 2/18 - Loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly. Hills, that is. Swimming pools, movie stars. Extra-special thanks to my folks for helping me pack and storing so much of my junk.

2/20 - Met my first real screenwriter, Bob. He sold an *idea* to Paramount for $40,000. I need to come up with an idea like that.

2/22 - Bob showed me a pub (yay!) and I met his agent. Bob's agent was very young and had a striking resemblance to the guy who cut off the cop's ear in Reservoir Dogs. I'm not sure what the significance of that is. I also met my first aspiring actors (aside from my lovely roommate Marie). They were both very shallow and superficial, but the amusing thing was that they both claimed to hate "fake" people. I actually kinda believed one of them, but hey, he's an actor, I'm supposed to believe him. Anyway, I've started a list for these Fake-People-Who-Hate-Fake-People; I call it Phonies Against Phonies (PAP). Current PAP count:1.5 (I'll give the one guy only half because he may actually be telling the truth).

2/23 - Went to see a Murder Mystery Theatre show (for free) as a possible gig for Marie. Worst show ever. Learned valuable lesson: when there are a lot of actors in a town, there are a lot of *bad* actors in the town.

2/24 - PUPPET TERROR - This was my best "L.A." type experience. I found this one-night show in the L.A. Weekly, the equivalent of the Houston Press. It was a show to promote the release of a new magazine of the same name. I thought, "Cool, scary puppets!" Little did I know.

The hostesses and many guests were dressed as what I describe as clown-whores, or what I later heard called "Frankenfurter Chic." Imagine a woman with too much make-up wearing a bra and frilly panties with garters connected to brightly striped stockings. And not the sexy lace stockings, these are the black and green striped sock-like stockings like the Wicked Witch of the West wore. They liked to talk in falsetto puppet voices like Lambchop, but fortunately they didn't keep it up when they read aloud their pieces from the magazine.

But I haven't gotten to the weird part! The emcee who introduced the monologuists and puppet acts (yes, there were actually puppets, but more on that later) was accompanied by a sidekick. This co-emcee was a 3-foot tall female dwarf, dressed in the same black-green clown-whore outfit with strings leading up from her wrists and ankles to little wooden sticks. They lowered the microphone, the emcee marionetted her to it, and she spoke in the puppet-voice and introduced the next act. I knew then that I had just stepped into a David Lynch movie.

But what of the puppets, you ask? Outside before the show there were 20-foot skeletons in formal wear that attacked attendees in line for the show. They were cool. The first act was a guy using painted cardboard cut-outs on sticks to sing the story of a boy hit by a car crossing the road. Not bad, not good. Next up was Punch and Jimmy, a homosexual version of puppets beating the crap out of each other. Surprisingly good. Lastly, there was the Cinnamon Roll Gang. This was the topper. After a completely nonsensical intro by regular ugly hand-up-the-butt puppets, there appeared these 10-foot monsters that looked like 3D versions of a 3-year-old's crayon drawing. They danced around in a strobe light to the sound of some local techno-trash-punk-metal music for what seemed like 10 minutes. Terrible. The only way to describe it is "Muppets on Acid." Yes, I'm in L.A. now.

2/27 - Registered with Central Casting as an extra. The only amusement during this long tedious process was looking over the shoulders of pretty girls to see if they circled "None, Partial, or Full" on the question about their willingness to do nude scenes. Ah well. I'll be sure to let you know when I appear at the Warsaw drinking Buzz Beer behind Drew Carey.

3/8 - Went to Fry's for some computer equipment, saw two Buddhist monks shopping for parts. No comment here, just an interesting image.

Okay, that's the past few weeks. Still with me?

L.A. Survival Tips - This Issue: Freeways

-In the LA area, there are 27 separate highways and freeways.

-All freeway signs are designed not to help you, but to taunt you once it is too late to enter/exit/change freeways.

-All freeways have titles, such as the Ventura, Hollywood, San Diego, Marina, etc. This is done to assist the roadsigns in confusing drivers (see previous point). Also, if you are not using the freeway's proper title, you must preface the number with "The" as in "The 134" or "The 5." This is a sign of respect and reverence for the freeways that control your destiny as well as your destination.

-On- and off- ramps have the size and appearance of the driveway in front of your house.

-Much like the cliquish snobby neighborhoods and industries in L.A., the road system is designed to exclude outsiders and make them want to leave in frustration.

Lastly, movie quote trivia:

"I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend."

Name the film, and the character or actor who said it. First to respond with the correct answer wins a trip to LA, all expenses paid (by winner).

Thanks for reading, thanks for your well wishes, and I'll talk to you later.