Whew!

Okay, I just finished uploading all my "L.A. Updates" from several years ago. These were basically journal entries chronicling my experiences in Los Angeles. Had I not been a luddite, I would have started a blog back then instead of now. Basically, instead of having a convenient online location where I could post my thoughts and my friends could periodically check in and make comments, I composed a massive newsletter that I emailed out to everyone I knew. So, now that I'm dragging my feet into the 21st century, I wanted to add all of them to my blog.

I think there's some good writing there, and some good anecdotes. Someday, I'd really like to properly format them and add photos, then have it printed and bound as a personal book. Part of that process started when I added them here as posts. Next I plan to slowly go through each one and reminisce, but also correct for grammar, remove bad links, add photos where appropriate.

Anyway, if you've never read them, I will immodestly recommend you do so. I think they hold up pretty well. If you did read them at the time, then stroll down memory lane with me. Hopefully over the coming month I can flesh them out and add pics or notes to make them more interesting.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Hey Gang!

I hope everyone had merrry Christmas, happy Hannukah, joyful Kwanzaa, exuberant Festivus, and a very happy New Year!

I can't apologize enough for being out of touch for so long. I've become a bit of a hermit the last few months. I know many of you have sent me unanswered e-mails, and I promise you I will reply personally to all of them.

It's been so long since I've done an update and I have so many new tales to tell, that I've completely forgotten all of them. So this should be a relatively short one.

Well, as you may have guessed from the title of this update, the glorious, gorgeous golden locks of Greg are gone.I've tried to attach a picture file, but I don't know if it will go through. It shouldn't be too large, but I may be sending to too many people.

Anyway, what made me do it? Well, I did it for my Dad. I sold it in order to buy him a chain for his pocket watch. Ironically, he sold his pocket watch to buy me tortoise shell combs for my hair! Huh, go figure. Like most amputees, I do suffer from "ghost pains" from my missing appendage. I still go through the motion of pulling a squishee-hair-tie thing from the back of my head before going to bed every night. I get surprised when I run my fingers through my hair and it stops about 30 seconds too soon. I'm still trying to learn how little shampoo I need. And sure, I save a lot of time in the shower, but now I have to wash the back of my neck! But is this the end of the rebellious Greg? Like Samson and his strength, has Greg's loss of hair destroyed his creativity and independence? Oh, no, faithful reader, not at all. As an act of rebellion, I've decided to grow out my chest hair. I already have about 15 going, and I expect by the end of the year I'll be able to braid them. Maybe some nice cornrows dangling towards my bellybutton. We'll see.

Now onto more important matters. I imagine the question on everyone's mind right now is: What the heck was Mike Martz thinking in the last 20 seconds of that Rams game? I truly, truly don't know. Football season ended for me that day, so I empathize for all you Houstonians who will have some random couple of loser teams invade your town for the Super Bowl.

The other question may very well be: What's going on with the 6th Annual 30th Birthday Bash? Is Greg having it this year? What's the theme? Will I remember it afterwards this year for once?

Well, here's the deal. I screwed up. Due to terrible planning on my part, I wasn't able to reserve the brewery on my preferred date. I said, "But it's ME!" Unfortunately, that didn't hold as much sway as I thought it would. It has always been my intention to have the party, but I just waited too long to set the date. Who knew it had become such a popular place?

But, all is not lost, true believers! I do not intend to give up so easily. I have a theme, and invitations are (almost) ready. The key is the date. So I'm going to do something I haven't done before, and leave it up to you guys. Please send me an e-mail expressing your opinion on these options, in order of preference:

1) Some weekday in February (preferrably Thursday)

2) Some Sunday in February (we could make it a mid-day party)

3) Some Saturday in April (!!)

4) No party this year (!?)

Also, please send me your addresses so that I may send you the invitations (those of you working at BindView need not do this, as I will send them all to one of my loyal sidekicks there).

The theme this year is Saturday Morning Cartoons, but I include all animation in the Cartoons part (Disney, Simpsons, Family Guy), and all live action kids' shows in the Saturday Morning part (HR Puff N Stuff, Land of the Lost, Electra-Woman and Dyna-Girl).

Now, if it is decided not to do the party this year (sob) not only will I be very disappointed, but it will also really throw off my numbering scheme. But, don't let that influence you. Please just let me know your thoughts.

Thankfully,

Your humble servant,

Greg

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot the quotes! Okay, let's see...

Movie Quote Challenge:

Number 1: "Cancel the Super Bowl? That's like cancelling Christmas!"

Number 2: "This little proposition doesn't entail me dressing up as Little Bo-Peep, does it?"

Good luck!

Movie Quote Answers:

Once again, the unstoppable Mary Felder has answered the quotes correctly!

Number 1: Black Sunday, by Ernest Lehman

Number 2: Fletch, by Andrew Bergman

Better luck next time!

Greg

Totally Recalled

Hi everybody!

Well, it's been a week since the coup, er, recall of Davis, and things seem to be going well under governor-elect Schwarzenegger (man, I love that phrase!). The mandatory morning exercise routines are strenuous but fair, but I'm having trouble remembering how to spell Kelleeforneea.

Believe it or not, this is going to be a very short update, the main purpose of which is really to let you know that I'll be in Houston, TX all next week, and would love to have a chance to hang out with you guys for lunch, dinner, drinks, whatever.

Not too much news around here. Due to a friend, I got picked up as kind of a stringer for Indie Slate magazine. They asked me to cover a film festival out here called Mania Fest. It was okay, I guess, but the really cool thing was I got to interview Wes Craven and Stan Lee! I was so nervous, especially with Mr. Craven, because I didn't find out I was going to interview him until about five minutes beforehand. I'm sure I came across as a complete dork, but that's okay. Stan Lee was super cool and nice, and it was great to meet him.

Mega-congratulations are in order for my cousin, Marie, who finally landed an agent! With any luck she'll be a superstar within a year and I can start free-loading a room at her enormous Santa Monica mansion.

Anyway, like I said, short but sweet. I can save the interesting details for one-on-one meetings. Drop me a line so we can have a beer or two together. See you soon.

Greg

Movie Quote Challenge:

Okay, these are the super hard ones I had planned, but I still think they'll prove fairly challenging to get exactly right. I'm looking for only one answer for each.

Number 1: "I'll be back."

Number 2: "I have a bad feeling about this."

Good luck!

Movie Quote Hints:

Man, I'm feeling mean today or something!

First off, there was a typo about the quotes, these are *not* supposed to be the hard ones, just annoying ones.

All right, many of you have answered with:

Number 1: Terminator

Number 2: Star Wars

Now, while those are both true, they're not correct. They aren't the answers I'm looking for. So I'll break down and give you hints. Number 1 is from an Arnold movie, but not one of the Terminators. Number 2 is from Star Wars, but not the first one (or fourth, depending on your point of view).

Need more hints? Ugh. Against my better judgement, here are the response lines:

Number 1: "Only in reruns, kid."

Number 2: beep, boop, whistle, beep

Movie Quote Answers:

I just realized I never sent out the correct answers. I'm not used to no one getting them right.

Number 1: Yes, it is in both Terminator movies, as well as Commando, Twins, and the popular guess Last Action Hero. However, the movie I was looking for was The Running Man. Remember? The deadly American Gladiator of the future? I thought the reruns line was a giveaway, but I guess not.

Number 2: Yes, this line has been said (or a slight variation of it) in all the Star Wars movies. I actually tried to find it in some other movie to make it really hard, but I couldn't find one I liked. Anyway, the one I was looking for was Return of the Jedi, said by C-3PO as he and R2 go to talk to Jabba the Hutt (hence the beeping response).

Anyway, that's it. Better luck next time. I'll talk to you all soon.

Greg

Dude, Where's My Update?

Hey kids, remember me?

First, to answer the two most pressing questions on everyone's minds, Yes, I'm still alive, and No, I'm not running for governor. As much as I would've loved to have that little tidbit to add to my resume, I just couldn't scrape up the required cash and signatures in time. I had a great idea to win, too. I would change my name to Arnold Schwartzenegger (with an added T) and get all the votes from people who weren't sure which way to spell it. Perfect! At the very least I could get into a debate with Gary Coleman and a porn star. sigh. Alas, it was not to be.

So, what's up? Oh wait, that's what you're asking me. Hey, there's an idea. Rather than my usual blathering on about the dumb stuff I'm doing out here, why not just open the conference up to questions from the gallery?

How's the writing going? Seen any more celebrities? How's the job hunt coming? Are you rich and famous yet? When's the next comic book coming out? Got a girlfriend yet? How's the writing going? When are you coming back to Houston? Have you been in any movies? How are the screenplays coming? What are you doing with your life? When are you going to get a haircut? What's the boiling point of Mercury? Do you really think anyone cares about this crap anymore? When are you going to get a job and get serious? How's the writing going?

Ummm.... On second thought, why break with tradition. On with the blathering!

San Diego Comic Con -- Went down to San Diego for this massive comic book convention that gets bigger every year. I was able to get free entry with a press badge this year because of my friend Joe. We wrote a really short article (just a blurb, really) for Indie Slate Magazine in exchange for the passes, so that was pretty groovy. The show is just huge, and vastly expanding beyond just comic books into all sorts of genre-related stuff like movies and toys. We also had dinner with an agent for ICM, one of the big agencies out here. It was great to hear him talk about "Mel" and "Will." Imagine all the clichés you've seen or heard about Hollywood agents, and he was them. However, he did give me his card, and was open to having me send him my stuff at the end of the summer. Woo hoo! So I guess I'll have to have something pretty dang good by then.

Classic Gaming Expo -- I went to another, totally geeky festival, but this one completely unrelated to comic books. This was all about video games, mainly the retro games from my youth, Atari, Intellilvision, Colecovision, Vectrex, etc. It was pretty amazing, in a nerdy sort of way. There are actually people out there who program new games for the Atari 2600! They had a little museum of all these old games, rarities, and prototypes, which was really interesting. I heard Nolan Bushnell speak, the inventor of Pong and founder of Atari. Some really crazy stuff. But the best part, by far, was seeing Black Bill. In the main room, they had set up about 50 arcade games for free play and nostalgia. Wandering around the floor, carefully supervising the players, yet staying respectfully distant, was Black Bill. I don't know his full name, but I did hear him referred to as Bill once, so I'll stick with that. He was a fairly tall man, thin, late 30's or early 40's, with dark longish hair and a beard, giving him the appearance of one of the Oakridge Boys. He dressed entirely in black (of course). I came to learn Black Bill is the holder of the world's record high score on several different arcade games from the '80s, ranging from Centipede to Missile Command to Donkey Kong (recently challenged, but that's a different story). (Editor's note: That story was recently in the documentary film The King of Kong.) Yes, I was in the presence of greatness, and he apparently knew it. He glided regally from game to game, carefully checking to see if anyone was approaching the number one spots he had dutifully captured on nearly every game there. I just cannot express to you the aura he exuded. Behind his eyes, you could just see his thoughts: "By day, I am a lowly stock boy at Wal-Mart; but here, among my people, I am a god."

Disneyland -- Woo hoo! I finally made it out to The Happiest Place On Earth (tm)! No, not Tijuana, but old Walt's place. Even better, through the kindness of a friend of a friend of Marie's, we were able to get in free! Which meant that we could actually afford to eat there! Cool! I hadn't been to Disneyland in probably 20 years, and it's still just as impressive. It's amazing how quickly it can make you feel like a kid again. When we first got in the park, Mickey himself came out for an appearance. I rushed to get an autograph book, and from then on I was pretty much an 8-year-old for the rest of the day. I got Mickey's autograph, and, and Baloo's, and, TiggerandEeyoreandPooh's autographs, and Pluto, and, and, and Goofy. Goofy was the most disappointing, though, especially since he was one of my favorites. All the other characters had very stylized signatures that were very expressive of themselves. Goofy's was just a name. I could be imagining it, but I also felt a little bit of scorn emanating from beneath that oppressive heat-baking head gear vaguely shaped like a dog. As if I, a 35-year-old male, had no right to be shoving little girls to the pavement in a mad rush to get Goofy's autograph. Whatever. Sadly, I missed the cut off time to get in the line for Cinderella and the Little Mermaid, Ariel (rowr!). Maybe next time. As for the rides, they were pretty good, I guess. Pirates of the Caribbean didn't seem as good as I remembered it, but the Haunted Mansion was just as great as ever, if not more so. The best part was during the opening narration. Half the people in the room were narrating by rote right along with it, and when the lights went out, the screams were blood curdling. It made one little girl cry most terribly. And while I don't mean to revel in her distress, I have to say I thought that was great. I mean, haunted houses are supposed to be scary. That's the point. You get scared, you endure, and you come out into the sunlight none the worse for wear. An emotional roller coaster.

Okay, well, that's it for now. I'm hanging in there. I miss Houston and everyone there, and I appreciate the support and well-wishing all of you have expressed. I hope everything's going great for you. I'll talk to you soon.

Movie Quote Challenge:

Number 1: "I love you more than any woman's ever loved a rabbit."

Number 2: "You've enjoyed all the power you've been given, haven't you? I wonder how you'd take to working in a pocket calculator?"

Good luck.

Greg

Movie Quote Answers:

Okay, were those just way too easy or what? I had two correct responses almost as soon as I sent them out. But, judging from the time code on the e-mails, Kevin Marcus just edged out current champion, Mary Felder.

Congratulations!

Answers:

Number 1: Who Framed Roger Rabbit, by Jeffrey Price and Peter Seaman

Number 2: Tron, by Steven Lisberger.

And I really thought about trying to find some really obscure ones this time, just to see if I could stump you guys. Guess I'll have to do that next time. So consider yourself warned-- next time they'll be really really hard, and I'll check the Internet first to make sure they're *not* in the IMDb. Anyway, have a great day/week/month!

Greg

Cinco de Me Oh Mayo

Hey, folks, remember me?

Sorry it's been such a long time since the last update. I wish I could say it was because I've been too busy auditioning young starlets for my new movie, but unfortunately that's not the case. I've just been lazy. Is there any better excuse in the world than that? None more honest, at least for me anyway. But I do have a tale or two, so hopefully I can refresh your memories of that long-haired hippy freak who sends those annoyingly long e-mails.

First off, some bad news. We were burglarized. Well, actually, only Marie was burgled, I was just rummaged through. Out of all the electronic, video, audio equipment, CDs, DVDs, and all purpose junk in our apartment, they were only interested in jewelry. Every tiny nook and cranny in both our bedrooms was completely overturned, every shoe box, moving box, or anything that could've contained something small was searched. Marie lost jewelry, but it was mostly of a sentimental value. I guess they didn't realize that robbing a starving actress and writer was probably not the best choice. What really surprised me was that the attack kitties didn't leap to our rescue. I guess the Purr Patrol was taking a break that day. They definitely had fun playing with the fingerprint technicians when they came by. Soon after the dusting, instead of one black cat with white and one white cat with black, we had two fluffs of gray. In the end, I think Marie and I were both thankful that it wasn't any worse than it was. Also, it was a lucky break that I ran some errands and came home several hours later than usual. I hate to think what might have happened had I walked in on them in the act.

Okay, on to lighter things. More bad news for me, but no where near on the same order. I lost on Jeopardy. Well, actually, I lost on the audition for Jeopardy. I went to try out, and you sit in a room with about 50 other hopefuls. They give you a piece of paper and a Jeopardy pen (I did get to keep the pen. Nifty!), and almost immediately start in with the questions. You sit in a small conference room watching a video of questions that looks just like the show, only no Trebek. It's just question after question, written in that familiar white on blue, read by some guy. You have 8 seconds to answer each question, and there are 50. Yikes. It was soooo hard!! The first 20 or so questions killed me. I think I actually got all the rest, but I think they put the hard ones up front just to rattle you. Anyone know the capitol of Nicaragua? Well, it's not "The letter N," which is what I put. I figure as long as somebody had to read it, I might as well write something entertaining. Alas, now that I have Jeopardy-quested and failed, I'm not allowed to try again for another year. Look out, Price Is Right!

I was at the chili cocaine place the other day, enjoying my usual bowl, when a couple of ladies next to me were commenting on the fact that I got the hot stuff, and then even added peppers to it. That sparked interest from a couple of guys further down the bar, and soon a casual discussion turned into a challenge. Apparently, the chili cocaine place makes a hot sauce called "Dave's Insanity Sauce." Now, I like my food spicy, but I've never considered myself one of the iron-stomached, asbestos-tongued die-hard hot food connoisseurs, but much like Marty McFly in Back to the Future III, I'm always up for a dare. The fellow issuing the challenge, I found out after he left, was the son of one of the Everly Brothers. I don't know which one, so it's probably safer just to call him an Everly Nephew. So anyway, he had bought a bottle of the stuff for his dad, but swore he never touched the stuff. I asked the waitress if I could have a sample, and she said No. Huh? "Do you like really, really, really, hot spicy stuff that burns your tongue for a week?" she asks. "Uh, no, not really. But he dared me!" I say. Well that did it, here comes the insanity sauce. While we're waiting, the Everly Nephew and his buddy are telling me horror stories about the stuff. She brings me an opened bottle and gives me a toothpick to use to get just a dab of the dangerous liquid. I stick the toothpick in and try to scoop a bunch out. The waitress and the other guy turn pale, while the Everly Nephew hides his surprise by happily urging me on. By now, with the eyes of a small section of the bar on me, I'm feeling a bit hesitant. All the more reason to go ahead. I put the toothpick in my mouth. A pause. Nothing. That's odd, I think. "So?" asks the Everly Nephew. "What's the big deal?" I say. The Everly Nephew's buddy is staring at me. "Your tongue's not numb?" he says. "Yeah," Everly chimes in, "is your tongue numb yet?" About that time, I started to feel a tingling, burning sensation rise up from several parts of my mouth. Uh oh, I thought, here it comes. I'm in trouble now. I braced myself, grabbed hold of my water, prepped my tear ducts, and waited. ... That was it. It never got much worse. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, but nothing. Now, don't get me wrong, this stuff was definitely hot, but nowhere near what I had been led to expect by their taunting tales of terror. So, I continued my conversation casually. I even went back for another toothpickful. They were astounded. How could this be? You sure it isn't burning? Maybe it just takes a while. I continued eating my chili. Wow, stunned disbelief around the counter. "Well," I said, "I'm from Texas." Ohhhhhhhhhh. A seeming light of understanding crossed their faces. In one meal I went from average patron to lunch counter legend, and managed to boost the state a bit as well.

Speaking of the state, I finally got around to getting my California drivers license. Yes, over a year after moving, I finally got it. The interesting thing was, due to a strange lack of communication between the two states, I almost had to take the actual driving test again. This was a longer story when it happened, but not nearly worth wasting time with here. I went through the difficulty of having the Texas DPS fax the California DMV with proof that I actually was a licensed driver (I wonder if that proof was one of my speeding tickets?), and I was relieved of taking the drivers exam. I have to admit, though, I was sorely tempted to go ahead and take the test. I imagine I would have been a great change of pace from the usual teenage drivers. Not only could I parallel park with ease, I could demonstrate more advanced techniques like changing the radio station with a soda in my hand while cradling a burger and fries in my lap. That would've impressed them!

Okay, well, I'm sure I had about a hundred other things to tell you, but at the moment they all escape me. As far as boring, work-related stuff goes, I'm still transcribing, though a minimum of hours each week. I'm looking, sigh, for a regular job in the meantime. I've made some more good contacts in the industry, but nothing has paid off just yet, though I'm keeping my fingers crossed. My writing has been suffering quite a bit the last month or two, but perhaps I just needed some time off, as evidenced by this e-mail. Anyway, that's all from me this time. I hope all of you are doing very well in every aspect, and I look forward to hearing from you, or visiting and sharing a beer.

Greg

Movie Quote Challenge:

Number 1: "Can I call my mom and tell her I won't be home... ever?"

Number 2: "If you guys know so much about women, how come you're here at the Gas N Sip on a Saturday night, completely alone, drinking beers, with no women anywhere?"

Movie Quote Answers:

Mary Felder was the first to correctly identify both quotes today.

Number 1: Summer School, by Jeff Franklin

Number 2: Say Anything, by Cameron Crowe

Better luck next time, have a great week!

Greg

Darby O'Pettit and the Little People

Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody!

If you're not wearing green today, consider this my personal pinch on your cheek (I'll leave it up to your discretion and imagination exactly which cheek).

Yes, it has been a very long time since my last update. Remember how I said I wanted to wait until I had something interesting to write about? How I wanted quality over quantity? Well, that's all out the window. Nothing's happened, and this is going to be just as long and boring as all the others I'm sure. I'm just lonely and want to talk to people, even if it is complete nonsense. So there. Yes, I know, I'm pathetic.

2/10 - I had a celebrity sighting! Clint Howard, Ron's not-so-attractive brother. There I was, waiting in line at a burrito joint with Gentle Ben! Oh wait, was Ben the bear? I can never remember. Anyway, I didn't harass him or anything. I'm still waiting for the perfect celebrity for me to accost in some embarrassing way. The next day, I saw Jay Leno, but it wasn't the same. I was driving by this car enthusiast store and saw an antique convertible (?) fire engine. I don't know if it was actually a convertible, but it definitely didn't have a roof. Anyway, as I looked over I saw it was Leno at the wheel. Apparently he was showing off his new toy to other car buffs or something. I heard later that he talked about driving it on his show the next night. So, my celebrity sightings so far are pretty lame, but I'll work on it.

2/22 - Earthquake!!! This was definitely the highlight of the past month. I'd been waiting and hoping for an earthquake while I was here, and finally I got one. It was a magnitude 5.4 that hit about 80 miles east of town at 4 in the morning. My bed started shaking and woke me up in the middle of the night (I'll let you insert your own jokes here), and I immediately knew what it was. The doors on my closet rattled for about a minute. I was so excited, but I didn't know if I should go wake up Marie or not, but fortunately she came out of her room not long afterward. Her reaction to the quake wasn't quite as joyful as mine, but things were still cool. No one was injured, and property damage was pretty minimal, restricted pretty much to just around the epicenter. Oh well, maybe next time.

3/2 - We have new additions to our little home. Marie and I are now the proud parents of two little boy kittens. They're both very cute and playful, as kittens should be. When we first got them, they were suffering from a cold, so it was very funny to hear these miniature sneezes from behind the couch or something. They are both black and white. One is mostly white with black splotches, that's Rorschach. The other is mostly black with white splotches, that's Oscar. Oscar has pretty cool markings on his face that make him look like a skunk, but Marie wouldn't let me name him Skunk, or Smelly Pete, or Pepe Le Mew (he kinda looks like the cat in the cartoons after having been altered to look like a skunk). Anyway, they like to 'rassle a lot, so it's just like a furry ball of yin-yang rolling along the floor. I do have some pictures, but I haven't had them developed yet. I'll put them on my site when I have.

3/6 - They've stopped doing the news at the Transcription Company, which is really a drag for me since that's all I did. I have been able to work on other projects, some of them even fairly interesting, like transcribing the commentary track for the 3rd season Simpsons DVDs. Unfortunately, the commentaries are really pretty lame, especially when you can't hear the sound of the actual episode they're commenting on. So, what does this mean for our intrepid hero? Well, basically I've finally broken down and decided to get a real job. It stinks. Of course I'll do my best to get something in the industry, but paying the bills and keeping food on the table will have to take priority. Drag. I'm really bummed about it, but oh well.

I thought I had one or two more interesting stories to tell, but I can't remember them at the moment. Oh well, I guess they couldn't have been that good then. I'll do my best to make sure the next update is far more entertaining and uplifting. I hope everyone has a fantastic St. Patrick's Day! I'll talk to you soon.

Greg

Movie Quote Challenge:

Number 1: "If they can dye the river green today, why can't they dye it blue the other 364 days of the year?"

Number 2: "I like being a pessimist. It helps me deal with my inevitable failure."

Movie Quote Answers:

Mary Felder was the first to correctly identify both quotes.

Number 1: The Fugitive, by Jeb Stuart and David Twohy

Number 2: The Brothers McMullen, by Ed Burns

Better luck next time, have a great week!

Greg

Rebel Without a Pause

Hello hello!

Well, I'm finally back in LA and doing my best to catch up on all my e-mail. This really isn't an update so much as a party recap. There's a few of you that are just now getting this e-mail, and are probably wondering what this junk clogging up your mailbox. Well, suffer. You can catch up on the archived updates (if you're that brave) at my website, though I strongly recommend having a lot of time and a lot of beer on hand before you try.

Most importantly, I want to thank everyone for coming out to the party and making it a big success. I can't tell you all how much I appreciate seeing you all coming out and just having a good time. I like to think that it gets bigger and better every year, and so far I have not been disappointed. I really had a good time, and I hope everyone else did as well.

The costumes this year were all truly outstanding. I regret having so few rewards to give to those who put so much effort into it. I'll put what few pictures I have up on my website later today.

I also regret not getting a good picture of myself with everyone in costume, but hey, maybe next time. Speaking of costumes, though, I feel some clarification is in order. I've heard that some people are hesitant to come because it is a costume party. Okay, let me make this clear, a costume is certainly not required. It is far more important for me to see you at all, than see you in costume. Now, that being said, I have to voice my own little vote for dressing up. It's fun! Personally, I think it makes people more casual and sociable, and much easier to strike up conversations with strangers. I mean, who would you rather drink a beer with, some dude, or some dude dressed up like Mork from Ork? If nothing else, you've got a good story for the water cooler at work the next day. Anyway, that's my soapbox, I'll back off. Again, I thought all the costumes this year were really top notch.

Now, will there be a next year? As far as I'm concerned, absolutely. One problem is, my birthday next year is the same day as the Superbowl. Not that I would have the party on that Sunday, but would the Saturday before be out as well? There's no real reason the party has to be on my birthday, in fact I kinda prefer downplaying that aspect of it. Anyway, what do you think? I have a year to plan.

Speaking of planning, I'm already being asked what the theme will be. I had several good suggestions the night of the party, the top five of which were (in no particular order):

James Bond

Comic Books

Cartoons (this one could be combined with comics)

Saturday Night Live (the show, not to be confused with the Fever)

Literary figures (but I'm in Hollywood now, no one reads here)

I think I've chosen, but I'm not certain. It all depends on how good I can make the invitations, of course! Apparently, I really got myself in a bind by doing a good job this year. Here's a little side story for you, just because I know you get disappointed if this e-mail doesn't eat up a lot of your time. I was really proud of the Wonka invitations, and didn't know how I was going to top them the next year. I struggled and struggled, and then finally came up with the Indiana Jones ones. They were great, but still not quite as good I didn't think. This year, I just decided I'd never be able to top the Wonka ones, so I wouldn't even try. I just wanted to do something I thought was cool. Little did I know I had raised the bar yet again. Drat! At this rate, the 10th will have to be a talking hologram.

Lastly, I said in the last update that I wasn't going to send these out as often anymore, and I'm sticking to that. I'd prefer to have quality of quantity, so I'll wait until I really have some good stories to tell.

I'm very excited about getting my ass in gear to do the things I've set out here to do. My birthday is always a time of reflection for me, and this year it totally recharged my batteries in a great way. I want to thank all of you once again for all the generous support and encouragement you have given me. I read a quote the other day from George Sand, "One changes from day to day... every few years one becomes a new being." Here's to becoming something new this year. Take care, everybody.

Greg

Movie Quote Challenge:

Number 1: "Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people!"

Number 2: "As your mother tells you, and my mother certainly told me, it is important, she always used to say, always to try new things."

Movie Quote Answers:

David Lemley was the first to correctly identify the following movies:

Number 1: The Man with Two Brains, by George Gipe and Steve Martin

Number 2: Hannibal, by David Mamet

Thanks for playing, better luck next time!

Greg

Giant-Sized Year-End Spectacular!

Hey Everybody!

Sit back and kick off your shoes, turn off your cell phones and pagers, grab a snack and take a bathroom break 'cause this is gonna be a long one! Just for my own amusement, I've decided to look back on the entire past year.

First off, I hope everyone enjoyed the recent holidays. I also hope you are sufficiently rested and planning to join me for a fun social evening that is rapidly approaching. Hopefully, by now you have received the physical invitations to the annual party. I'm sorry they're arriving so close to the event, but they took longer than I expected.

Next, for those of you of the competitive nature for the movie quotes, there's lots of them in this e-mail. I decided to put one after every month's recap. Just pick any two to answer. Get them correct, and be the first to answer on at least one of them, and you win! I think I put some harder ones in this time, but we'll see.

Okay. Well. Why a year-end spectacular? I dunno. I mean, sure there's the New Year and all that, and I am approaching my anniversary of moving out here. That tends to make one reflective. Also, there have been lots of times when I remembered something I wanted to write, but it was too late to be relevant to anything. Or heck, this is an "Update," sometimes stuff needs to be updated. Or probably I'm just lazy. I guess you could think of this as another one of those cheesy clip shows, but with added director commentary. Anyway, on with the show!

February-
-Experienced Puppet Terror. Wow, was that so long ago? Some of those images are still burned into my retinas. I'll have to find out if those people still put on shows. Clearly this is something that needs revisiting.

Movie Quote #1: "This is so bad it's gone past good and back to bad again."

March-
-Saw tapings of the Late Late Show with Craig Kilbourn.
-Learned to drive on the L.A. freeways. This brings me to my first update to an update-- more info about California drivers. License plates. Everyone in L.A. has personalized license plates it seems. I don't have a problem with that really, it's just sort of overwhelming. It's yet another indicator of the shallow, appearance-based hierarchy that thrives out here. What bothers me are the plates that make no sense to me whatsoever. I've started writing them down, so now maybe some of you more license plate lingo literate readers can help me figure out what these things mean. First up: "UNDUHWY" What is this? Undue Highway? Underway said with a weird accent? Seriously, someone help me with this. Okay, how about this one: "NTRPRTE" Enter Party? Interpret? Night Reporter? I'm so lost. I mean, I realize that not everyone can get KIRK RULZ or ROSEBUD, but when you start getting license plates that are anagrams of your ex-wife's brother's first dog, it kind of loses any impact.

Movie Quote #2: "Say Lou, did ya hear the one about the guy who couldn't afford personalized plates so he went and changed his name to J3L2404?"

April-
-Found World's Ugliest Hawaiian Shirt. Or did I? The quest shall ever continue on.

Movie Quote #3: "Oh, I tell ya Camilla, great plumbers are born, not made! I'm the prince of plumbers, fair maiden."

May-
-Started work at The Transcription Company. Well, I probably started before this, but I can't remember. I really need to get out of this. Sure, it was fun for a novelty, and provided some interesting material, but it is way past time to move on. I do enjoy speaking the news every morning, it keeps me fairly well informed. Unfortunately, it also keeps me up to date on all the stupid filler segments they do in between the news. I mean, a psychic predicting the Super Bowl? Come on. She actually made the statement "The moon will collide with a planet, which makes things unpredictable." First off, I'm hoping she means planetary conjunction, rather than an actual collision of the moon and some planet. That would be rather unexpected, and might *might* even take the headlines away from the Super Bowl. But secondly, she actually predicted that it would be unpredictable! What kind of psychic paradox is that? "See, I told you my prediction would be wrong, so therefore, it's right. Am I a great psychic or what?" But back to transcribing, I have to vent one other stupid little complaint about the voice recognition program we use. Yes, I still get some amusing mistranslations, but I am so sick of it hearing "The Rockets won 95 to 93" as "The Rockets 195293." Like I said, I need to get out of there.

Movie Quote #4: "Luther said I could learn some things from you. I already know how to drink."

June-
-Fell in love with the Silent Movie Theater. They've been on hiatus for the past month as Bob Mitchell (the musical accompaniment) has been touring the country. I don't know if he and the silent movies came through Houston, but if so I certainly hope some of you had a chance to see them. He is truly an amazing man and performer, and it's great that they're exposing so many people to a classic art form.

Movie Quote #5: "If we bring a little joy into your humdrum lives, it makes us feel as if our hard work ain't been in vain for nothing."

July-
-Saw The Politics of Fur at a Gay and Lesbian Film Festival. I wasn't very impressed with the movie itself, but I did get to see my name roll up the screen in the credits of a movie. It's a start. It didn't really have the thrill I expected it to, though. We had fun at the small (very small) after party, though. Some of you know this, but what the heck, I'll mention it again anyway. Katy Selverstone and I seemed to be hitting it off pretty well, both on the shoots and at the after party. So, I mustered up my courage and called her a couple of times, and eventually asked her out. Shot down! Bummer. So, my social life has been less than spectacular, but hey, at least I can say I got turned down by a B-level celebrity!

Movie Quote #6: "It's the story of my life. I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop."

August-
-Auditioned for the Weakest Link. Well, I didn't get this one, but I'm undaunted. I've decided as part of my Things To Do this year, I'm going to audition for every single game show there is, even the obscure ones that haven't even aired yet. It could be fun. If nothing else, I'll at least have subject matter for all sorts of interesting stories. The only thing that worries me is that I don't think I'm slutty enough to get onto any of the numerous dating shows. But hey, maybe that could be my schtick-- Greg Pettit is "Joe Geek."

Movie Quote #7: "I don't know why they call this stuff Hamburger Helper, it does just fine by itself."

September-
-The Pirate Debacle. Yes, well, we all know this story. In the annals of my life, this is one of those moments that'll always be tagged with the red flag of "What if?" But, life goes on. It was only an extras job after all, and that's definitely not what I came out here to do. I don't regret my choice, really, I just regret that I had to choose.

Movie Quote #8: "The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts."

October-
-Oktoberfest! Now, on the flip side of the Pirate coin, I got to do something else I had always wanted to do, and that was go to Munich for Oktoberfest. And it was definitely a great time. I went with about a dozen guys I'd never met before, and we all got along great and had a lot of fun, and I don't think it was just because of all the beer. We're talking about turning it into an annual gathering, maybe at a different location every year. I'm pushing for another running of the bulls, but we'll see. One of the weird things about the trip was how it affected me upon returning home. You know how new mothers experience post-partem depression after delivery? I think I experienced post-inebrium depression. Having a beer just wasn't the same; it wasn't as much fun. Fortunately, months of therapy have pulled me through this slight drought, but it's still left its mark. What does one call a happy scar? I don't know, I'll try to think of something. In the meantime, I'll just say Oktoberfest left a very happy scar in my brain.

Movie Quote #9: "My brother and I used to say that drowning in beer was like heaven. Now he's not here and I got two soakers. This isn't heaven, this sucks!"

November-
-Went to see Robert McKee's Story seminar. Actually, this was in October, but it fit better in here. This was a really good seminar, very helpful and inspiring. If any of you have seen the movie Adaptation, Brian Cox plays Mr. McKee, and quite well from what I've heard. Another highlight, I guess, was that Drew Carey was in the class with me. Now that you've read my other story, I'll tell you I did seriously consider striking up a conversation with him with the fantastic opening of "Hey, Mr. Carey, I struck out with the girl who used to play your girlfriend on your show." But in the end I decided against it. Another lost opportunity? Who knows.

Movie Quote #10: "Never underestimate the power of denial."

December-
-Nothing. Well, obviously not nothing, really, but just things slowed down a bit for me. Have you ever had one of those moments when someone makes a comment about the way you walk? The next thing you know, you're thinking too much about the way you walk, and it makes you walk funny, or worse. It's as if you forget how to walk by becoming aware that you're doing it, when in actuality you don't "know" how you're doing it anyway because it is such a subconscious procedure. It was like that for me with the updates, I think. I was too conscious of having to write them every couple of weeks so that they became a tedious chore, rather than the (hopefully) funny, insightful, conversation-like communication to my friends. Anyway, I've finally remembered to forget about how I walk, and just write the dumb things.

Movie Quote #11: "Don't expect it to Tango, it has a broken back."

January-
-Rose Bowl Parade. I live less than 15 minutes away from Pasadena, so I felt obligated to at least make an effort to see this thing. Unfortunately, people begin lining the streets the night before for good spots to watch the parade. Luckily, the day after the parade they open it up to a public viewing, where you can just walk around the floats and see them up close. This was really neat, and the floats are just incredible. I have some pictures, but I haven't developed them yet. It's amazing what they think of to use to create different colors and textures.

Now, I have another story about the Rose Bowl Parade float viewing, and I know I run the risk of this not telling well in an update, but I feel I have to try. Maybe I'm an idiot, but this just struck me as funny. While I was viewing the floats, among a huge crowd I must add, they made an announcement about a missing person. They gave a description, and asked for the volunteers and workers to keep an eye out for him. James, a 43-year-old male, wearing a red, white, and blue jacket, and a blue baseball cap, and at the end of the description they added "with the mental capacity of a 3-year-old." Now, I'm not commenting on his diminished mental capacity, I have great empathy for him. What struck me as funny was, after they made that last announcement I overheard a person say to their friends, "Was that really necessary?" As if the announcer had just added that last detail to insult the person. "Missing person, female, 32 years old, and has a really bad haircut." Insulting or not, I think, yes, that really was necessary. Okay, well, maybe it's not as funny in the reading, but it amused me.

Movie Quote #12: "Another one of them new worlds. No beer, no women, no pool parlors, nothin'. Nothin' to do but throw rocks at tin cans, and we gotta bring our own tin cans."

Alright, that's it! A year over with. Okay, so maybe this one wasn't as long as I thought it would be.

Okay, now on to seriousness. This year in review has put a lot of things in perspective for me. I really appreciate all the support you guys have given me, but now it's time for me to get my butt in gear. I'm not going to stop the updates entirely, but I'm only gonna send them out when I have something very unusual or relevant to the Hollywood thing. Of course, you guys are always welcome to just send an e-mail asking what's up, and I'm sure I can bore you to death will all sorts of tales.

Speaking of which, I look forward to seeing each and every one of you at the party this Saturday! Have fun until I get there!

Greg

Movie Quote Challenge:

For those of you that jump down here right off, I put the quotes in the Update. This isn't to mess with you, it's because I put in 12 of them, one after every month. Just pick two to answer, and if you're the first one to answer correctly on at least one of them, you win. Hopefully, some of these are a little harder than usual (though not impossible). For you experts out there, you might want to try those just to give the other guys a chance! Good luck!

Movie Quote Answers:

Well, even though she didn't exactly follow the directions, Mary Felder was the first to correctly answer *ALL* 12 movie quotes. However, since the idea of having so many quotes was to reward as many people as possible, I'm also giving credit to:
Dale Prasek and Kevin Marcus, who both also identified all 12.
Dan Perez and Cecil Habermacher, who just selected two to answer, even though I'm sure they knew them all.
Special credit to David Good for making a ridiculous stab at all of them. I mean, "The scene after the sodomy scene in the prison movie... right before that other lame quote in the license plate making room."

For the record, and answers are:
#1: Ghost World, by Daniel Clowes
#2: Fargo, by Joel & Ethan Coen
#3: The Muppet Movie, by Jack Burns & Jerry Juhl
#4: The Sting, by David S. Ward
#5: Singin' in the Rain, by Betty Comden and Adolph Green
#6: Some Like It Hot, by Billy Wilder & IAL Diamond
#7: National Lampoon's Vacation, by John Hughes
#8: Lawrence of Arabia, by Robert Bolt
#9: Strange Brew, by Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas
#10: American Beauty, by Alan Ball
#11: Re-Animator, by Stuart Gordon
#12: Forbidden Planet, by Cyril Hume (based on The Tempest by William Shakespeare)

Okay, that's it for now. See you all Saturday!!

Bored of the Rings

Happy Holidays, everyone!

I hope everyone is having a good time, enjoying the company friends and family as another year comes to a close.

My thoughts are all a-frazzled, and I'm afraid this update's going to reflect that. I really don't have any cool tales to tell. I think I'm suffering from writer's block or something, so you guys benefit by not having to drudge through five pages of drivel I suppose.

By now I hope you've received the e-vite to my annual party coming up in a little over a month. If not, let me know and I'll send another one. Also I'll put a link on my website (which is long overdue for updating). Please feel free to pass it on to anyone I may have forgotten. The physical invitations will be arriving sometime in January.

I'll be arriving in Houston this Friday night, so if anyone is interested in getting together for lunch or dinner or a beer or anything, please let me know.

Oh wait, here's a story. I went out the other night to see a movie, and just by chance it happened to be right next to the famous Mann's Chinese Theater where they were having the world premiere of Star Trek: Nemesis. Of course, I couldn't resist hanging out and watching for all the stars, at least until my show started. It was a strange experience, though not as you might expect. I didn't see anybody dressed up in Star Trek uniforms, which was really a drag. There was a pretty large crowd, but we were all kept far from the red carpet and bright lights by barricades and security personnel. As I watched the arrival of the stars (I saw Michael Dorn (Worf), Gates McFadden (Dr. Crusher), and Brent Spiner (Data) See-- I can be a Star Trek geek too sometimes), I became very aware of all the layers of this particular Hollywood onion. I mean, there were the stars on the red carpet, then the tv interviewers, then outside that all the film and lighting crews, then outside that the escorts, ushers, and valets, outside that the security guards, and outside all of that was me, standing in a crowd with other geeky onlookers. It was really rather depressing, actually. sigh. Oh well, I guess my New Year's resolution should be to get into that red carpet inner circle.

I also had another celebrity sighting (stars at a premier don't really count in my book). At my little hole-in-the-wall chili place, where I was getting my fix of chili-cocaine, there was some actress sitting across the chili bar. I swear that place is like an opium den. Everyone just comes in, speaks in code to the server, and are soon burying their face in a bowl. Some don't even have to speak, they just give a nod and a wink and their fix is ready for them. Anyway, for the life of me I don't know who the celebrity was, but she was one I swear. She's a red-headed, B-level actress that I've seen in half a dozen or so bit parts on tv sitcoms, usually playing some sort of obsessed psycho. I don't even know how to look someone like that up on the Internet, so just let your imagination run wild and pretend it was Brad Pitt or somebody. Rather than accosting her and saying something like, "Hey, aren't you somebody?" I decided to let her be and wallow in her own chili addiction in peace.

Okay, well, that's all I can think of right now. Not a great update for the end of the year, but it's been a rough couple of months. I wish all of you the best for this holiday season, and I look forward to seeing each of you when I can.

Greg

Movie Quote Challenge:

Number One: "No securities, no stocks, no bonds, nothing but a miserable little $500 equity in a life insurance policy. You're worth more dead than alive."

Number Two: "Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. Though my personal preference was for Lux, I found that Palmolive had a nice, piquant, after-dinner flavor... heavy, but with a touch of mellow smoothness."

Good luck!

Movie Quote Answers:

Dale Prasek was the first to correctly identify both quotes, which puts him in the lead again.

Number One: It's a Wonderful Life, by Phlip Van Doren Stern

Number Two: A Christmas Story, by Leigh Brown, Bob Clark, and Jean Shepherd

Happy holidays, everyone! Better luck next time.

Greg

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hey folks-

Sorry the update's a little late, both in the day and the week, but I don't really have any new adventures to tell you. I just wanted to send a note out wishing everyone a happy Thanksgiving, and express my appreciation for all the support, and that you all haven't changed your e-mail addresses. Thanks for listening (reading) my ramblings, and have a good holiday.

Greg

PS-

Distant early warning-- My party is definitely on again for next year, Saturday, February 1st. I know that seems awfully far away, but it has a very easy tendency to be here before you know it. The theme this year is television, so start planning your costumes accordingly!

Movie Quote Challenge:

Number One: "What a fitting end to your life's pursuits. You're about to become a permanent addition to this archaeological find. Who knows? In a thousand years, even you may be worth something."

Number Two: "Those aren't pillows!"

Movie Quote Answers:

Congratulations!! Joel Swift was the first to correctly identify this round's quotes.

Number One: Raiders of the Lost Ark (a reminder of my party, I hope) by Lawrence Kasdan

Number Two: Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (a reminder of the holiday) by John Hughes

Thanks for playing, everybody, have a great weekend.

Greg

Jackass: The E-Mail

Greetings, sports fans!

That is, if there are any sports fans left there after your Texans' disappointing 38-3 loss, but hey, look on the bright side-- The Rams won!

Well, I must be losing my memory or not taking good notes, 'cause I was sure I had all sorts of exciting things to write about this time, but I can't remember them all. So does that mean a short update? Heck no! I'm sure I'll find all sorts of random, irrelevant crap to ramble on about, so let's get started!

10/25 - 10/27 - I went to a three-day screenwriting seminar given by a guy named Robert McKee. This name probably doesn't mean anything to most of you (nor should it, really), but he is *the* big-time screenwriting guru. Every other book or lecturer on screenwriting always references or recommends Mr. McKee, and with good reason. The course was pretty overwhelming, to be sure. It was three 10-hour days sitting and listening to him speak/perform. Of course, these could have been 8-hour days easily if he didn't go off on so many irrelevant tangents. I'm not exaggerating, either. The first day, the first two hours had absolutely nothing to do with the course. But, he is an entertaining old coot to be sure. For example, during one of the first day's opening rants, he complained about cell phones. Nothing new or unusual there, but he went on to say that if any rang during the course of the lecture, the owner would have to pay him ten bucks. Sure enough, the next day someone's phone went off. And true to his word, he stopped the lecture, walked up to the culprit, and stood there with his hand out until they coughed up $10. It was awesome! You can imagine what a frantic scouring through pagers and cell phones happened next as everyone made sure they wouldn't be next. Even better, someone forgot again the next day, and another ten went in his pocket.

As a lecturer, McKee was very engaging. This lecture was all about story, which is his forte and also the basis of his main book. His book is jam-packed with great info, as was the lecture, but there was one large difference. The book is rather dry and textbook-like, no personality. His lecture is very much filled with personality, which for him includes more cursing than a dockside bar full of sailors. It was great! Here's this smart, old, opinionated curmudgeon giving a lecture like a George Carlin routine. McKee's a Carlin fan, too, I found out when talking with him during the break.

Speaking of comedians (you like that segue? I'm a writer you know), also attending this class with me was Drew Carey. I wasn't sure if it was really him at first, so I had to play a little stalker/detective. You know, quietly standing behind him to hear his voice, taking the urinal next to him in the men's room, stealing his wallet and checking his ID, that kind of stuff. But it really was him, so celebrity sighting number two I guess. Anyway, in answer to your question, no, we're not best buds now. I didn't go up and talk to him or anything because I just don't know what the etiquette is on that. I mean, is that rude? Does it bother celebrities when complete strangers walk up and introduce themselves? I don't know. I try to imagine what that would be like for when I'm extremely rich, powerful, and famous. I mean, if someone came up to me and said, "Hi Greg, don't you remember me? I'm your mother" it wouldn't bother me too much as long as my security team was able to haul her away before she got too close. (That's just a joke, Mom.)

The lecture ended with a six-hour, scene-by-scene analysis of Casablanca, which was really, really cool. I've always liked the movie anyway, but having it picked apart like that showed me so many levels that I'd never considered before. McKee used the movie as a neat example and summary of all the things that we had talked about all weekend, and it was a very effective closing note. His analysis and conclusion filled all of the class with hope and excitement. The class was very much an overload, but I came home very excited to get back to work. The entire time during the lecture I was taking notes not about the lecture (I have the book, so it wasn't really necessary), but about ways to fix the screenplays I'm working on. I knew there were problems, but now I knew why, and had a better idea of how to fix them. This was definitely worth the time and money, I found it extremely inspirational. Now, a question that may be on your mind is "Why didn't you take this course a long time ago?" Well, that's a good point. I should have. I didn't know much about it before, but I won't use that as an excuse. I have no excuse. The only answer I can give is a quote from George Eliot: "It is never too late to be what you might become." The key is to not let this current enthusiasm wane.

10/31 - Happy Halloween! I had a fun mis-translation at the Transcription Company today. "Candy and costumes" became "Kantian costumes." I can just imagine dozens of elementary school white-wigged philosopher children running about the neighborhood. "Although there is no moral imperative for you to give me a treat, reason clearly shows that choosing to receive a trick would be bad."

Halloween has always been my all-time favorite holiday, but I find myself now in the same boat that many others have been in for years concerning Christmas. The crass commercialization of the holiday is really starting to get to me. I'm certainly not an observer of the religious aspects of Halloween, but all this other crap they're selling now really changes it for me. Cute little witches and skeletons? Halloween lights? Halloween trees? What happened to the days when Halloween was actually supposed to be spooky? Is it impolitic to scare children these days? sigh. Oh well, for now I guess I'll just have to let it go. But you can bet that when I have a house in a neighborhood with trick-or-treating children, my garage will become a haunted house so frightening that I'll have to hand out clean pairs of underwear at the exit.

So, what did I do on Halloween? Nothing too exciting, unfortunately. I went to see The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari at the silent movie theater. It's a classic from the German Expressionist period (wow, doesn't that sound exciting!) and it's full of really weird angles and scenery. Sadly, it's not really full of entertainment. I was rather disappointed, but glad I saw it nonetheless. However, I have to vent for just a second about something else. During the intermission at the theater, they had a costume contest (I didn't win, sadly) of all the people there. Not everyone was in costume, and some were better than others, but that's to be expected. Here's my beef, though. Third place went to Mr. Clean (bald guy in white pants and shirt, with cotton balls for eyebrows). Not bad, but certainly not too difficult or original. He didn't even remember the gold earring. First place went to a pair of clowns. They looked very nice, but come on, clowns? How hard is that? But here's the real kicker. Second place when to... are you ready? The Unabomber. Huh? Yes, a guy with a hooded sweatshirt and sunglasses won second place in a costume contest with a six-year-old news reference. Way to go. I guess it would've been too frightening to dress up as a sniper. You don't want to scare people on Halloween.

11/2 - I was playing games with some friends when I made an interesting discovery. Apparently, one of the guys I kind of hang out with (we're not really close, we just meet up sometimes) wrote Last Action Hero and The Adventures of Ford Fairlane. Now, I realize that's not the same as having written A Beautiful Mind, but it is two scripts that actually got produced, whether you liked them or not. I'm not sure whether or not (or how much) to pester him about it yet, though. I mean, clearly I want to learn whatever I can from him, and in Hollywood speak, "use this contact to my advantage," but at the same time I don't want to scare him off by becoming this desperate wannabe screenwriter groupie. You want to hear a really scary story of how Hollywood I've become? Earlier in the evening (before I found out his writing credits) he invited me over to his house to play this old computer game we had a lot of nostalgia for. I kind of shied away, not sure if I really wanted to spend that much time with him. When I later found out his credits, I started mentally kicking myself for turning away a chance to get to know him better. How shallow is that!? It's happening! Oh no!! Help me!!!

Okay, that's about all I got this time. I hope everyone has a great week, and I'll talk to you soon!

Greg

Movie Quote Challenge:

Number One: "Some people without brains do an awful lot of talking."

Number Two: "Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine."

Movie Quote Answers:

Congratulations to Joe Henderson! He correctly named the following movies:

Number One: The Wizard of Oz, by Noel Langley

Number Two: Casablanca, by Julius & Philip Epstein

Thanks for playing, better luck next time!

Greg

Count Dracu-L.A.

Good Afternoon!

Yes, it's that time again. Time to sit back, kick your shoes off, put your dogs up, put aside work, and listen to me ramble on for a while.

10/12 - Some of you may have noticed that I haven't been talking about the Silent Movie Theater as much as before. Well, I'm still a big fan, but I haven't been able to go as often as I had been earlier. However, this weekend I made an exception. You may recall me mentioning Bob Mitchell, the organist who plays accompaniment to the silent pictures. Well, he had his 90th birthday party, which was celebrated at a classic old theater downtown. It was quite the event. The theater itself was beautiful. It was one of the original Orpheum theaters, built to showcase vaudeville acts. Harry Houdini, W.C. Fields, and the Marx Brothers had actually played there. The place was a little worn for wear, but it had just been purchased with the intention of being fully restored, and this was the first event hosted there since the purchase. There were people there dressed for the occasion, either by wearing a tux, or dressing in period costume. The whole show was hosted by Bill Pullman, which was kind of a neat surprise, not that he's a huge star or anything. Janet Klein & Her Parlor Boys played, as well as an exhibition by some jitterbug dancers (side note: I'm pretty sure one pair of dancers actually appeared in the jitterbug contest on Ed last week). After that, Bill Pullman came back on stage and proceeded to do a sort of "This is Your Life" narrative for Mr. Mitchell. I say sort of because much of this presentation consisted of audio clips from an *actual* "This is Your Life" done for Mr. Mitchell in 1949! This guy's really been around! At one point during the presentation, they continued playing an old radio ad, as Mr. Pullman acted it out. "Ah, Philip Morris, the cigarette that doesn't give you a cigarette hangover." After all the accolades, they showed Buster Keaton's "Seven Chances" (another classic from Keaton, with scenes that were directly heisted by Lucas for some of the shots in The Phantom Menace), and Mr. Mitchell actually played for the movie. What's even more amazing, it was his *fourth* gig for the day! If you'd like to read a very short little piece on Mr. Mitchell, here's a bio I found.

Also from this particular evening, I had my first celebrity sighting, although it hardly even counts as such and I was hesitant as to whether I should mention it at all, especially since I don't even know the guy's name. Do you by any weird chance remember a show on Comedy Central called "Viva Variety?" It was a variety/comedy show that didn't last very long. It was hosted by a guy pretending to be Monsieur Laupin. Well, that was the guy. More recognizable, maybe, if you've seen any of the recent Snickers commercials where someone daydreams or makes a bad decision because of hunger. The game show host-like guy who comes on and says, "This wouldn't have happened if he had had a Snickers bar." That's the guy. (Editor's note: I've since discovered the man's name is Thomas Lennon, of recent fame from Reno 911.) The funny part about the sighting is that I saw him as I was just wandering around the theater looking and admiring it. I was up on the balcony, and he was there making an ungainly, somewhat rude climb over a railing to get to his seat with some friends. He looked really awkward, and I couldn't help but look at him. Of course, in my mind I'm just thinking, hey, is that the guy that...? And I keep looking at him trying to be sure. What's funny is, he saw me looking at him, and I'm *sure* he thought I was giving him a disparaging look because of the awkward move he had just made (side note: In another strange connection to the show Ed, another character from this guy's show "Viva Variety" was Johnny Bluejeans. The actor who plays him now plays Phil Stubbs, the goofy bowling alley employee on Ed).

10/16 - Went to see a film compilation of short animated features called "Spike and Mike's Festival of Sick and Twisted Animation." It was terrible. Terrible! But, you say, "sick and twisted?" Surely that would make it interesting? No. Out of the hour and a half I was there, I was amused for maybe six minutes. I could go into needless detail of the completely worthless things I saw, but that's not my point. I mention this only to impart two bits of knowledge I gained to you, my hapless reader. First, if you make something offensive enough, someone will show it, and second, offensive *can* be funny, but offensive doesn't *equal* funny. Save your money, steer far away from this gem.

10/17 - Depending on which way I drive home from work, I often pass by this tiny, hole-in-the-wall chili restaurant. Finally, I could stand it no more and stopped in. It was the coolest. It's this tiny little room with big horseshoe-shaped bar in the middle. Everyone sits around it like at a diner, and as soon as you sit down they plop bowls of oyster crackers, onions, and peppers in front of you. It's almost like you don't even have a choice. I didn't even see a menu anywhere until after I had ordered. No problem though, 'cause obviously I was there for the chili. One weird thing, though, is about a third of the people there had their chili over spaghetti, which I'd never seen before. Anyway, this was the best chili I'd ever had, so next time any of you come to visit, we're going there for sure. Chili John's. Oh, and speaking of work, I actually have another entertaining mis-translation. They've gone down considerably the longer I've worked there, as the computer is getting used to my voice. However, I'm still fighting a cold I picked up in Germany (gee, really? After standing around in the cold rain without a jacket and sleeping in an airport? That's odd.), so my voice isn't exactly the same. Anyway, of the many I've had, the good one I remember was ABC's news correspondent Barry Mitchell becoming "very mental."

10/20 - Well, like the fool I am, I got a table at the L.A. Comic Convention again, to try and sell my wares to the public. This time was better and worse, though. It was better because I shared the table with my friend who made a movie, and he tried to sell it there as well. This cut down on the expense. It was worse because we didn't sell anything. Well, I sold a few, and he sold one, but still, that's like nothing. I don't really have any good stories about the feaks and nut jobs that attend these things. Why do I mention it? Well, for astute readers that may remember my last excursion to the show, way back in Issue #8, I received a videotape that threatened I would die in seven days if I watched it. Sound familiar? That is the premise of a new movie called "The Ring." Apparently, my tape was a very early promotional gimmick to get people curious, and then have a resounding impact when the movie came out. Pretty clever, I guess. It definitely explains how someone could afford to give away all those videotapes.

Well, that's about all for now. I'm still really depressed about not being a pirate, but oh well. I had thought there was a strong chance of me getting back into the project due to some changes that had been made (hence my little tease at the end of the last update), but alas it appears I have missed the pirate boat for good. Arrgh. I knew I should have amputated one of my legs.

So that about wraps it up for me this time. Hope everyone is having a great time, and I want you all to have a fantastic Halloween, my all-time favorite holiday!

Greg

Movie Quote Challenge:

Number One: "Oh God, Mother, blood! Blood!"

Number Two: "Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make."

Movie Quote Answers:

Congratulations! Dale Prasek was the first to correctly identify today's quotes:

Number One: Psycho, by Joseph Stefano

Number Two: Dracula, by John Balderston & Hamilton Deane

Better luck next time, and have a great Halloween!

Greg

The Longest Longest Day

Guten tag!

What am I doing? What the hell am I doing here? Why do I spend so much time writing these incredibly long Updates? Shouldn't they be about all the things I'm doing to become a screenwriter? What are all these stupid adventures about, anyway? Who would want to read all this crap? What am I doing with my life? These are some of the questions that occur to a person when spending hours, nay, days on an airplane. No lie, this is gonna be a long one, folks.

Hey, everybody. As you may remember, when we last left our intrepid hero, he had given up a pirate role in favor of a trip to Germany for Oktoberfest, then changed his mind only to find that the casting changed and he was no longer able to play a pirate. Destiny? Weird fate? Maybe. Only time will tell.

Now, I'm not going to bother to tell you all the things that happened on my trip to Germany, that is much more suited for personal, face to face conversations anyway. I also don't have any pictures developed yet, so I don't even have proper illustrations for my story. Once I've done that, and sifted through them to remove any incriminating evidence, I'll be sure to post them on my website if you're curious. However, though I have no intention of dragging you through all the tales of the trip, I think it's only fair that I tell you all about the low- and highlights of my little vacation. (Vacation from what, you say? Um, no comment.)

First, the bad part:
9/25 - 9/26 - The flight out. Woo hoo! I'm going to Germany! Bright and early Wednesday morning, ready for my 8:30 flight, my roommate and I head out for the airport at 6:30 am. Now, from our apartment, it's usually a 45 minute drive to LAX. I know, I know, technically for an international flight I'm supposed to get there even earlier, but what can I say. It's never been a problem so far. So far. Well, traffic was exceptionally bad as I'm sure you predicted. I arrive at the gate at 8:25. Sadly, they were not exactly pleased and I missed my flight. Tragedy. However, the ticket agent was very helpful and was able to get me a new flight plan that left four hours later. That's cool, I thought, I can hang in the airport for a while, I have my books and writing stuff to work on. My flight plan isn't exactly inviting-- L.A. to N.Y., N.Y. to Paris, Paris to Munich. Lots of air time, but hey, at least I'm getting there. The hours pass uneventfully, and I get on the plane without a hitch, ready to hit the skies.

Well, I got on without a hitch, but that didn't necessarily mean we hit the skies. Apparently, we had a passenger problem. I wasn't witness to this, but it seems as though someone decided to sit in business class without paying for it. This information comes via the pilot. I had no idea what a terrible violation of airline security this was. But it was. After sitting on the runway for about 30 minutes, we turned around, went back to the terminal, police came and took him off the plane, and back we went out to the runway. But of course, since we missed our spot in line to take off, we had to wait another hour and a half before we were able to leave. For those of you keeping score at home-- Time since I left my house: 8 hours. Distance from L.A.: 0 miles.

Fortunately, the trip to N.Y. was again uneventful. However, because of the delay I was concerned about making my connecting flight. I told the flight attendant, and she told the pilot, and he told the airport, so by the time we landed I had a whole contingency of people waiting to shoot me over to the next flight. It was actually pretty cool. I felt so important! I get off the airplane and immediately some guy gets me and we start running through the airport. We of course had to stop at the x-ray machine, but then we kept running. He hands me off to a guy in a van to drive me over to the other terminal. He asks me, "Are you some rock star or something?" Apparently, he noticed the VIP treatment as well. Of course I said yes. We scream into the next terminal where the package (me) is passed on to the next carrier. We run up to the counter with plenty of time to spare. He even politely makes sure my checked bag made the transfer as well. All is good.

Now, this flight to Paris is not exactly what I would call pleasant. For some reason, there is some sort of regulation in international travel that if you're not flying first class, you're cattle. This was perhaps the smallest, most uncomfortable seat I've ever flown in, and as a bonus, it's a nine hour flight! Plus, I'm flying on Air France this time, and I probably need not remind you of the famed European hygiene skills. I felt like an immigrant on the bottom level of the Titanic. Plus I had the added bonus of elderly French people behind me who thought the back of my seat was good leverage for their frequent trips to the restroom, snapping my head back and forth, for a nine hour flight. For those of you keeping score at home—- Time since I left my house: 21 hours. Time since I've had any sleep: 21 hours.

I arrive in Paris, greeting the sun on a lovely Thursday afternoon. I only have an hour till my next flight, and it goes smoothly. I arrive in Munich, about six hours later than my original plan, but still incredibly thankful that I made it and was done with any flying for while. Unfortunately, my luggage decided that N.Y. was so nice it should stay there for a few days on its own.

Due to circumstances I'd rather not explain here, I ended up staying the night at the airport. Now, for those of you who've never experienced the joy of spending the night at an airport, I applaud you. Those who have had the experience, well, I guess I don't really have to tell you anything either. Let me just say that Munich has a very nice airport. It's very clean, quiet, and they have a cafeteria that's open 24 hours that sells beer all that time. There's plenty of bench space for everyone, so you just have to be careful not to pick one next to a snorer. They even have shower facilities where you can buy a towel and soap for 5 euros, quite a bargain I thought. Sadly, though operational when I found them, they were not when it came time to need one after a fitful night of "sleep." For those of you keeping score at home-- Time since I left my house: 34 hours. Time since I've had a shower: 34 hours. Hey, at least I was smelling more European!

One other note, my jacket was packed in my luggage. In Munich this time of year, the highs were in the high 40s, and as a bonus for me, it was very overcast and raining these first few days. At last, I met up with my friend and organizer of this trip, Pat Reilly, at the hotel. Finding a sympathetic ear alone was a godsend, but having a shower came pretty close as well. We met up with his brother and proceeded to find the best cure for my ailments we knew of: Beer. For those of you keeping score at home-- Time since I left my house: 42 hours. Time it took me to drink that first beer: 42 seconds.

Okay, so the trip didn't start off that great. Sure, I was really wishing I was a pirate right about now. But then again, I feel it's always better to start a vacation badly than to end it badly. Besides, now I had the opportunity to buy chic new foreign clothes on Air France's dime! Actually, my luggage arrived in a day or two, and all was fine.

Wow, that's a lot of space to kill on just my arrival. Good thing I'm not going to spend too much time on this.

Now for the good parts. Well, they were all good parts, really. The best way to describe it would just be a general description. However, before I go into this next part, I have to make an aside for a moment. My Dad made me promise that I wouldn't drink too much at Oktoberfest. But when it comes down to it, what exactly is too much, anyway? Well, let's just say I have a much better idea now than I did before. So, Dad, I suggest you skip the next paragraph or two, just to be safe.

Okay, now, it's Oktoberfest. We drank. A lot. And then drank. A lot more. We spent a lot of time in beer tents, which I could write volumes on alone (What, me? No way!). Some quick observations: German beers are bigger than American beers; Who would have thought that to fit in with a German beer tent's singing crowd I would have to know the words to John Denver's "West Virginia?"; German beers are stronger than American beers; Bavarian women look really good in their traditional dress (derndrl, I think it's called); Why would anyone have so many carnival rides among so many beer tents? (and, why would I go on so many of them?); Germans like to drink and have fun. I don't know how to describe it other than to say it's like a really good party that goes on all day long, every day, for about three weeks. What surprised me the most was the conduct of the people. Sure, there were plenty of very drunk people, but they were 99 percent well-behaved, fun, jovial, and non-vomiting. It seemed to me a very (welcome) far-cry from what I've seen of similar American festivals like Mardi Gras.

The highlight I guess would have to be all the people I met. Aside from the wonderful Germans at every table we went to, Pat put together a great bunch of interesting guys to spend time drinking with. At one point, we had people in our group from Dallas, Los Angeles, New York City, London, Brussels, Wisconsin, Vienna, Istanbul, and of course, Idaho. It really was a great trip, and totally recharged my batteries.

And now back to L.A.

10/6 - Safely back at home, I was invited to a screening of Signs with a Q&A session with writer/director/producer M. Night Shyamalan afterwards. It was very cool. He was an extremely nice, frank, and honest person. Although I wasn't a big fan of his latest effort, it definitely had some great elements, and it made it even more interesting to hear him talk about what he was trying to achieve with it, where he think he succeeded, and where he thought he failed. It was definitely very entertaining and informative, and most important of all, invigorating. To hear him talk about his "craft" and the things he goes through, and the number of drafts he writes, it reminded me that what I'm trying to do out here is difficult, and I shouldn't be as hard on myself as I have been lately. Like I said, I've had a lot of time to think lately, and not all of it has been exactly productive.

The trip gave me a needed break, and a lot of time on my own cramped in airplanes and airports to think. So to answer the questions from above: What am I doing? I'm changing my life. What the hell am I doing here? Trying to become a screenwriter. Why the long Updates? There's an old adage that says "writers write." Writing in any form is good. It exercises brain-muscles, helps to organize my thoughts, and it's fun. They shouldn't be about anything other than what I want them to be. What are the adventures about? All adventures are stories, and stories are what it's all about. Who wants to read it? My friends, since sadly this is the only way I can stay in touch with most of them, much as I wish it were otherwise. What am I doing with my life? The best I can.

Holy cow, did I actually write that? Does that sound too sappy or what? Don't worry, I'd never put a line like that in a screenplay, it'd sound too phony. I wasn't even aware that I needed a spiritual rejuvenation, but I got one. Anyway, thanks for listening to all my ramblings these past six months, it's been very necessary for me on this end, and I can only hope that I've made it worth your time on your end. Thanks for all the support.

Greg< style="font-weight: bold;">Movie Quote Challenge:
Number One: "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

Number Two: "I honestly think you ought to calm down, take a stress pill, and think things over."

Movie Quote Answers:
David Lemley proudly steps into the winner's circle by correctly identifying the quotes. Congratulations!

Number 1: Animal House, by Harold Ramis & Douglas Kenney

Number 2: 2001: A Space Odyssey, by Arthur C. Clarke & Stanley Kubrick

Better luck next time!