L.A. Stories

Hey kids, what time is it?

No, not Howdy Doody time, it's update time! A fairly small issue this time, not a lot has happened yet. Anyway, here we go!

4/3 - 4/10 - Spent the week in Houston. I had a great time, even though it seemed kind of soon to be back. Oh, well. To all those I got to visit, thank you very much for your hospitality. To all those I didn't get to visit, I apologize. Start saving your pennies so I can drink beer on your tab next time!

4/12 - Went to The Roxy to see Echobrain. The Roxy is a cool rock-n-roll club almost as famous as The Whiskey-a-Go-Go (which I'll be going to May 15, but that's another story). Echobrain is the new band put together by Jason Newsted. Jason Newstead is the former bassist for Metallica. If you don't know who Metallica is, well, shame on you. Why anyone would leave Metallica is beyond me, but there he was. I wanted to write quite a bit about the opening "band," but I'm not sure if I'm up to it now. I'll give it a shot. Picture two guys on stage, one wearing what appeared to be a Domino's Pizza delivery jacket, running feverishly between two synthesizers. No, not musical instruments, but keyboards hooked up to computers. It was as if playing pre-recorded techno music was actually a performance. It was very strange. But they were definitely enjoying themselves, unlike the audience who seemed to be oblivious to anyone even being on stage, much like I was for the first 5-10 minutes.

Anyway, on to the main act. Echobrain was not very good. Jason Newsted was definitely playing his heart out, and was fantastic, but he had an enthusiasm that seemed totally out of place. It was sort of like seeing Mike Ditka coaching a little league football team. Sometimes a great performer can elevate a band, other times the band can degrade the performer. This was definitely an example of the latter. On the plus side, I was able to get a few feet from Newsted, which is about 1/100^th the distance I could expect at a Metallica show. Also, as Marie noticed, we didn't smell like smoke after the show, since people can't smoke in the bars in L.A. Definitely a bonus.

On another note, I have to mention something just because I was out at a club on a Friday night. Many people have asked me about the famed "L.A. Woman." You know, bleached blonde hair, blue eyes, big... basically just picture Pamela Anderson, except with more... or with less... ah, just picture Pamela Anderson. Well, anyway, yes, the stereotype does exist, and is actually quite plentiful. I would start a count much like the PAP (Phonies Against Phonies. I need to get a better acronym), but I'm afraid there just wouldn't be a point. My LAW (L.A. Women) count would be far too high. I've seen at least one almost every day I've been here. So let's just say the LAW factor for this particular show was pretty high. Perhaps I should consider myself an anthropologist studying them in their natural habitat. Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and be able to experience their mating rituals.

4/13 - I finally had a chance to go to the beach. Woo hoo! It was a beautiful sunny day, and I took a drive on a great canyon road all the way to Santa Monica. However, what I was unaware of was that the climate and temperature at the beach is very different from what it is at my apartment. I expected it to be colder, but it was overcast and rainy and not good. I watched "surfers" on the ocean. I use quotes because I rarely got to see them surf. They were more like "waiting-to-surfers." Dozens of black wet-suited dudes floating off the coast waiting for the Big One. Boring.

Next I went on to walk along the Promenade, which is not the same as the Boardwalk. The Promenade is a street closed off to cars so that people can promenade among the shops. I've also discovered that almost all entertainment in L.A. revolves around shopping, but I guess that's to be expected. Of course it was littered with people, tourists, homeless people, and street performers. This included a 10 year-old kid playing Hotel California on electric guitar (almost as cliché as hearing House of the Rising Son in New Orleans).

Now we get to the good part. I stopped into a resale shop, although this is not the good old Salvation Army kind, but a vintage clothing shop where they buy stuff at resale shops, re-price it and sell it as classic clothing. By habit, I immediately head to look for Hawaiian shirts. Much to my surprise (and delight) they had a whole *rack* for nothing but. Score! But as I looked through this goldmine of gaudy garments, I saw something that would forever change my life. Ladies and gentlemen, there I found The World's Ugliest Hawaiian Shirt. Many of you are probably shocked to hear me, of all people, use the concept of "ugly" and "Hawaiian shirt" in the same sentence, but there it was. I will try my best to describe it, though I'm afraid the words may not exist. It was startling. This was a shirt that in the sunshine looked like other shirts do under a blacklight. There were colors that could not possibly exist in nature. They probably shouldn't have been created by man, let alone placed next to each other on a shirt. There were five shades of green, three shades of purple, reds, yellows, oranges, and a pink which was far beyond what would be called "hot." The pattern, maybe I shouldn't use that term because it implies consistency, was somewhat symmetrical. The design included flowers, paisleys, spikes, stars, ovals, spikes, and swirls. It was by far the most hideous thing I have ever seen. In the end, all I can say is thank God it was in my size.

4/15 - 4/18 - I started my job at The Transcription Company. That's capitalized not for emphasis, but because that's actually the name of the company. I would like to go into more detail about it, but this update is running longer than anticipated and more importantly, I'm still in training, so not many tales to tell yet. I'm sure it is going to be very interesting.

4/19 - We found it! Finally, after very little searching, we have discovered our neighborhood bar. It's called Duffy's, which alone is good because it reminds me of Homer Simpson's favorite beer. Second, and best of all, the bartenders gave us free shots as long as we drank them with them! Ya gotta love a bar where the bartenders drink with ya! The shot was called an Irish Car Bomb. I'm not really sure what was in it, but it was made by dropping a shot glass of something into a cocktail glass of Guinness. It is then necessary to slam this drink, which tastes amazingly like a chocolate shake. That's a bad thing for me, but I managed to struggled past it.

That's enough for now.

LA Survival Tips - This Issue: Grocery Stores

The main grocery store chain here is called Ralph's. It's a pretty pleasant place, like any grocery store, but there's more:

-They carry Shiner Bock. Granted, it's not my favorite beer, but it was surprising to see it nonetheless. It was a pleasant connection back to Texas when I first arrived.

-They sell liquor. Though this isn't a draw for me, they have probably more selections in the straight alcohol department than beer. You name it: brandy, vodka, rum, whiskey, tequila (well, not good tequila).

-They have 13-inch color LCD displays in the check-out lanes. Not for the cashiers, but for the people waiting in line. There's a main pane that shows cartoons and quick cooking recipes, there's a bar on the bottom that has the current sports scores, there's a part on the side that has the weather and news headlines. I should have known that in L.A. it would be impossible to escape from television, even while standing in line.

-They have the good old fashioned conveyor belts. You get to unload all your groceries yourself, which I think is great fun! People are quite serious about the divider bar, too. On a side note, I heard a story about a cashier who actually tried to scan one of the divider bars. After trying very hard to find the bar codes, the customer saved her and just said he didn't want it.

-The sackers are just as terrible as everywhere else. What happened to job quality in the sacker profession? When I was a member of this proud trade, we were actually instructed how to pack the perfect bag. Now, I'm happy to get more than four items in a bag. I've tried everything. I've tried paper and plastic. In paper I've had placed a 12-pack of Coke. In plastic I've had a bag with nothing but a loaf of bread in it. I've even used the conveyor belt to my best advantage by ordering the items as they should be placed in the bag, but to no avail. It is a sad, sad comment on the youth of America.

Now here's the part you've all been waiting for, Movie Quote Trivia! Good luck!

Number 1: "Jeff, do you think a murderer would let you see all that? That he wouldn't pull the shades down and hide behind them?"

Number 2: "Is that... is that hair gel?"

Until next time, be good.

Greg

Movie Quote Answers:

The first to correctly identify *both* quotes was Patrick Reilly.

The first was from Rear Window (one of my all-time favorites) written by John Michael Hayes.

The second was from There's Something About Mary, written by Ed Decter & John Strauss, and Peter & Bobby Farrelly.

Thanks for playing, good luck next time!