Hollywood Outsider

Holy cow is it update time already!? I guess working has made my life far less interesting. I'll have to change that! Anyway, short issue this time, but on we go:

4/26 - Tragedy strikes! I had one security blanket stolen from my clinging arms as swiftly as Lucy swiped Linus's's's. Marie and I went out for dinner at Chuy's, and it could not have been more different from the good ol' Texas version. "Heart Healthy?" "Lite?" What the hell are those doing on a Mexican restaurant's menu? I guess I'm too accustomed to Tex-Mex, and now I'll have to get used to Cal-Mex. I used to pride myself on my knowledge of the Chuy's menu, but obviously that will do me no good in this strange and frightening land. But I'm getting ahead of myself. First and foremost, there was no Elvis shrine. With no Elvis shrine, there's no Elvis Memorial Combo (a lovely Heart-non-Healthy combo that includes a fried egg on top). Next, the chips were good, but there was no creamy jalapeño hot sauce. Also, as has been the case in every Mexican restaurant we've visited, there is no such thing as queso for dipping chips. Apparently, a bowl of melted cheese is too complicated for California chefs. The margaritas were very strange. They did not come from a frozen margarita machine, which is generally a good thing, but in my opinion a frozen margarita should have the consistency of a Slurpee (TM) rather than be more like one on the rocks, except the rocks are crushed. Also, serving it in a pint glass rather than a margarita glass only serves to heighten this effect. On the rest of the menu, there were no cleverly titled dishes such as the "911," but they did have goat, as well as shrimp and fish. Now, these last two would not be so strange except for the fact that they were *not* available in tacos. Every meal also came with a salad (?). Now, I'm all for the garden rabbit food, but I thought that a salad in a Tex-Mex restaurant only came in a big bowl with chopped up chips, meat, cheese, and hot sauce. Lastly, the silverware didn't come in those groovy little bags that say "Sanitized for your protection." (Side note: A good friend of mine once mis-read that and thought it said "Sanctified for your protection," which is even better in my book). I believe that the silverware was perfectly fine, but it did eliminate the special fun of unwrapping a knife and fork. I guess in the end the lesson to be learned from all of this is the same lesson to be learned in almost all the rest of L.A.: Nothing is as it seems. Everything is shallow and surface only, designed to look good without necessarily being good.

4/27 - I was at Kinko's making some copies (duh) and using the paper cutter when out of the corner of my eye I saw a woman approaching to use the cutter. I looked up and saw an attractive young lady, dark skinned, dark hair, dressed in black. But there was something bright on her shoulder. On closer scrutiny, I saw that it was some sort of small parrot. Yes, a parrot. It was very brightly colored, with mostly brilliant yellow highlighted with greens and reds, and it was just casually perched on her shoulder as she walked around taking care of her business. I let her use the paper cutter as she had far less to cut than I, and also so I could take in this sight. Now, I pride myself on my creativity. I have always been a writer of some sort. Heck, I've upset my entire life gambling on my abilities in that regard. So, what cunning line, what amazing and interesting conversational opener did I utter? "Nice bird." Fortunately, as I moved away from the cutter I saw what I assumed was her boyfriend approaching. Either that or it was an amazing coincidence that another person was dressed in exactly the same manner. Oh yeah, he also had a huge gray McCaw on his shoulder. I suppose those are interesting pets to have, and as long as their wings are clipped, why not take them out for a night on the town. I just questioned the idea of wearing black under a bird.

4/22 - 5/3 - I've been working away at my strange job. I get to listen to interviews with people and simultaneously repeat everything they say to the computer, where it types it out and I correct all the mistakes. Every morning when I come in, I say "Good Morning" to the computer, and he always replies Good Morning. It's a better greeting than I've had at other jobs I suppose. Even when I hit him with a quick "Hey buddy!" he's always quick to respond in kind. Sometimes we get into a terribly endless loop of inane patter, but that too is much like other working environments I've experienced. I guess the interviews can be interesting, but it's still rather dull. You would not believe how often a musician can use the phrases "you know" and "know what I'm saying" in conversation. One rapper I listened to (Cee-Lo, I think, whoever that is) was able to combine the latter phrase into a two- and sometimes even one-syllable word. Very impressive, but not exactly helpful to me. To make it more interesting, I try to take notes of some of the better mis-translations. For example, "his anecdotes" became "Hispanic goats" and "Are you falling asleep?" became "refinanced lead." All in all, it's not too bad. It pays the bills. The people are very nice, and I stand out quite a bit because I'm the only one who's a wannabe-writer; everyone else is a wannabe-actor.

I think that's about it this time, sorry. For those of you who've asked, yes, I have been working on my screenplay. It's coming along pretty well, but I still have some plot details to flesh out. I'll tell you all about it when it's finished, I promise.

LA Survival Tips: Television News

- All the TV news-people are very attractive, seeing as how at one point they were aspiring actors. Well, not all. There's this one guy on one of the major channels that seems to be some hybrid of every race known to man. I have no problem with that, but it is very disturbing to look at. Disturbing and fascinating, actually.

- There is a televised car chase at least once a week. Let me say that again. There is a televised car chase *at least* once a week. There's a reason most of the scenes on Fox's America's Wildest Most Dangerous Wacky Dumbest Criminals Caught on Tape take place in California. It's a good thing there are always about 15 traffic helicopters in the air, not only for instant, on-the-spot coverage, but to make sure that the runners, even when on foot, can be seen from almost every conceivable angle. You thought watching O.J. flee was unusual? Nope. The only thing out of the ordinary is that it was broadcast nationwide rather than just on the local channels.

- The weathermen. Ughhh. You would think that in a place where the weather only varies by 10 degrees during the week/month/year, they would at least be able to get that right. There's a noticeable difference between 62 degrees and 72 degrees, especially when driving around in a Jeep with the top down. The local NBC affiliate, Channel 7, even has Doppler 7000, far superior to Houston Channel 2's measly Doppler 2000. I have the sneaking suspicion that there's only Doppler of the 1000 variety and that each city just multiplies it by whatever sounds cool to match their station. I hope there's not a Channel 15 out there. Also, a very interesting difference between here and back in Houston is that here they actually hope for rain and complain when the humidity is too low. Both of these contribute to the likelihood of grass fires, so it is definitely understandable, but still strange.

Movie Quote Challenge:

Number 1: "No. Absolutely not. When I get through that wire I'm not gonna be peeking over fences making maps for you guys. I'm gonna be so far away you couldn't hear it if they were shooting at me with howitzers."

Number 2: "Strange things are afoot at the Circle K."

Okay, that's it for me. Have a great week, I'll talk to you soon.

Greg

Movie Quote Answers:

Cecil Habermacher was extremely quick on the draw and got both of the quotes. Congratulations!

Number 1: The Great Escape, written by James Clavell and W.R. Burnett, based on the book by Paul Prickhill

Number 2: Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, written by Chris Matheson and Ed Solomon

Better luck next time!

Greg