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Hello and welcome to the Giant-sized first issue of my L.A. Newsletter (official title still pending)!
Every other Sunday I'll send out an update highlighting my adventures here in La-La-Land. I've got a lot of ground to cover this issue, so this one's bigger than usual, please bear with me just this once.
First, some apologies:
-I'm sorry that this is the first communication I've had with 90% of you. I know it's rather impersonal, but it took me a while to get settled and I thought this would just be easier.
-Also, I'm sorry for those of you who didn't get this e-mail first-hand. I tried to get as many addresses as possible, but I'm sure I forgot some. Those of you reading this please forward it to anyone who didn't get it but would be interested.
*IMPORTANT* If you would like to add an address, change a current address, or remove yourself from the list entirely (it won't hurt my feelings I promise), let me know.
-Lastly, I'm sorry again for this one being so long. I hope it's entertaining, but I promise the rest won't be so long.
Okay, on with the show!
2/1 - Had a great party at Saint Arnold's. Check out the photos:
2/2 - 2/18 - Loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly. Hills, that is. Swimming pools, movie stars. Extra-special thanks to my folks for helping me pack and storing so much of my junk.
2/20 - Met my first real screenwriter, Bob. He sold an *idea* to Paramount for $40,000. I need to come up with an idea like that.
2/22 - Bob showed me a pub (yay!) and I met his agent. Bob's agent was very young and had a striking resemblance to the guy who cut off the cop's ear in Reservoir Dogs. I'm not sure what the significance of that is. I also met my first aspiring actors (aside from my lovely roommate Marie). They were both very shallow and superficial, but the amusing thing was that they both claimed to hate "fake" people. I actually kinda believed one of them, but hey, he's an actor, I'm supposed to believe him. Anyway, I've started a list for these Fake-People-Who-Hate-Fake-People; I call it Phonies Against Phonies (PAP). Current PAP count:1.5 (I'll give the one guy only half because he may actually be telling the truth).
2/23 - Went to see a Murder Mystery Theatre show (for free) as a possible gig for Marie. Worst show ever. Learned valuable lesson: when there are a lot of actors in a town, there are a lot of *bad* actors in the town.
2/24 - PUPPET TERROR - This was my best "L.A." type experience. I found this one-night show in the L.A. Weekly, the equivalent of the Houston Press. It was a show to promote the release of a new magazine of the same name. I thought, "Cool, scary puppets!" Little did I know.
The hostesses and many guests were dressed as what I describe as clown-whores, or what I later heard called "Frankenfurter Chic." Imagine a woman with too much make-up wearing a bra and frilly panties with garters connected to brightly striped stockings. And not the sexy lace stockings, these are the black and green striped sock-like stockings like the Wicked Witch of the West wore. They liked to talk in falsetto puppet voices like Lambchop, but fortunately they didn't keep it up when they read aloud their pieces from the magazine.
But I haven't gotten to the weird part! The emcee who introduced the monologuists and puppet acts (yes, there were actually puppets, but more on that later) was accompanied by a sidekick. This co-emcee was a 3-foot tall female dwarf, dressed in the same black-green clown-whore outfit with strings leading up from her wrists and ankles to little wooden sticks. They lowered the microphone, the emcee marionetted her to it, and she spoke in the puppet-voice and introduced the next act. I knew then that I had just stepped into a David Lynch movie.
But what of the puppets, you ask? Outside before the show there were 20-foot skeletons in formal wear that attacked attendees in line for the show. They were cool. The first act was a guy using painted cardboard cut-outs on sticks to sing the story of a boy hit by a car crossing the road. Not bad, not good. Next up was Punch and Jimmy, a homosexual version of puppets beating the crap out of each other. Surprisingly good. Lastly, there was the Cinnamon Roll Gang. This was the topper. After a completely nonsensical intro by regular ugly hand-up-the-butt puppets, there appeared these 10-foot monsters that looked like 3D versions of a 3-year-old's crayon drawing. They danced around in a strobe light to the sound of some local techno-trash-punk-metal music for what seemed like 10 minutes. Terrible. The only way to describe it is "Muppets on Acid." Yes, I'm in L.A. now.
2/27 - Registered with Central Casting as an extra. The only amusement during this long tedious process was looking over the shoulders of pretty girls to see if they circled "None, Partial, or Full" on the question about their willingness to do nude scenes. Ah well. I'll be sure to let you know when I appear at the Warsaw drinking Buzz Beer behind Drew Carey.
3/8 - Went to Fry's for some computer equipment, saw two Buddhist monks shopping for parts. No comment here, just an interesting image.
Okay, that's the past few weeks. Still with me?
L.A. Survival Tips - This Issue: Freeways
-In the LA area, there are 27 separate highways and freeways.
-All freeway signs are designed not to help you, but to taunt you once it is too late to enter/exit/change freeways.
-All freeways have titles, such as the Ventura, Hollywood, San Diego, Marina, etc. This is done to assist the roadsigns in confusing drivers (see previous point). Also, if you are not using the freeway's proper title, you must preface the number with "The" as in "The 134" or "The 5." This is a sign of respect and reverence for the freeways that control your destiny as well as your destination.
-On- and off- ramps have the size and appearance of the driveway in front of your house.
-Much like the cliquish snobby neighborhoods and industries in L.A., the road system is designed to exclude outsiders and make them want to leave in frustration.
Lastly, movie quote trivia:
"I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend."
Name the film, and the character or actor who said it. First to respond with the correct answer wins a trip to LA, all expenses paid (by winner).
Thanks for reading, thanks for your well wishes, and I'll talk to you later.
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