To Live and Try in L.A.

Hey Gang-

Not much happening this time around, so this should be short.

5/22 - Interesting day at The Transcription Company. I got to transcribe an interview about the history of Hawaii. The VR program definitely had a problem with names like Queen Liliuokalani, Princess Kaahumanu, and Kalanemoku. Unfortunately, there was no discussion of the history of Hawaiian shirts, but it was still very entertaining. I learn a lot of interesting things at this job. For example, American missionaries actually created the written Hawaiian language for the Hawaiians so they could translate the Bible. It seems like it would have been easier to just teach them English, but what do I know. Also, when you're watching your Special Edition DVD of Footloose (as I'm sure all of you will whenever it's released), the interview with Kenny Loggins (you know, the guy who just does soundtracks?) is rigged. They told him to do Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon with Laurence Olivier, and then fed him the answers! How cheap! (In case you're interested, it's Olivier to Dustin Hoffman in Marathon Man, Hoffman to Tom Cruise in Rain Man, Cruise to Bacon in A Few Good Men.) I've definitely also learned to keep track of my speech. If ever I'm interviewed, I will be very careful of my "ums" and "uhs," "you knows" and "I means," and sentences that run on for about the length of paragraphs, just for the sake of the transcribers. Lastly, and most importantly, I've learned that the worst possible interview to conduct for transcribers is two college cheerleaders with similar voices, constant giggling, overlapping dialogue, talking about N'Sync. How I made it through that day I'll never know.

Speaking of which, I'm starting to work really hard at getting out of this job. It's interesting, sure, but boring. And hard. I'm not very good at it. Plus, I have to call in every day to see if there's work, and often there's not. So, being flushed with my recent exposure to PA work, I'm pursuing that (more on that in a moment). If I'm going to work as hard as I did those weekends with that small crew, I might as well get paid for it. Wish me luck, I'm sure I'll have much more exciting tales to tell about that.

5/26 - There's a small movie theater here that shows only silent movies. It's really a thrill, as I've always been a big fan of Chaplin, Keaton, and Lloyd. This weekend they were showing Safety Last, the Harold Lloyd comedy that includes the now-famous scene of him hanging off the clock hands at the top of a building. It's a small place, of course, and much more like a big room with seats than an actual theater, but great nonetheless. They had a pianist providing live musical accompaniment, who was just amazing. They opened with three other short films (including a cartoon!) before an intermission and the feature. It was incredible. One of the great things about L.A. is that it is such a movie town. I know that seems rather obvious, but it shows in so many ways. There are about a billion movie theaters; there is always something classic playing somewhere; the theaters brag about their sound systems and digital projection when they can. Best of all, where else can you talk to so many people who are fans and buffs? I was at a party and somehow just randomly got in a conversation about Bergman films. Another guy I know is a big Kurosawa fan. Almost everybody is into the movies, which is just cool I think. Well, everybody except the people who work in Marketing for the studios. There's some law that the people with power over a product can't know or care anything about it I think.

5/29 - Signed up for the Production Assistant's Association to get work. It's probably just a scam, but they did have a lot of good information and contacts. The "training" meeting I went to was very interesting. Of course the second half of it was just promotion for various other classes you can take (for a fee), but the audience is what I was impressed by. I expected it to be almost all college-age kids or recent grads looking jobs, but they made up only about a third. The rest was a group so scattered and varied you wouldn't believe it. There were all ages and all careers, including a registered nurse, civil engineer, and paralegal. All of us with that foolish dream of making it in the movie biz. The instructor even did the old bit about looking at the person left and right of you, and one of them will be gone in two years. Hopefully, that will only be me if I've made it so big I can live in Spain.

Okay, well that's about it for me. Not a very long or entertaining update this time, I'm afraid. I've really been off the ball lately and need to get back on it and work my tail off. There are too many distractions for sure.

Recent good VR mistranslations:

this goes back = discotheque

since he dumped her = simply don't care (spookily relevant)

L.A. Survival Tips: Entertainment

- As I may have mentioned once before, almost everything to do around here involves shopping. I expected that to some extent with Rodeo Drive and the like, but it's everywhere. I have never seen so many malls in my life. Up further north from where I am there's what has to be the world's largest strip center. It stretches for at least a mile. Every store you can think of is located there. I wouldn't be surprised if they have a shuttle within the parking lot. I've also been down to the area with all the resale shops. Vintage clothing is very big right now, with lots and lots of resources. One very weird shop I saw was nothing but old T-shirts. What a scam! They go to any Goodwill or Salvation Army, pick up about a dozen for ten bucks, then sell them there for $10 a piece! Sure, you can get that elusive Barry Manilow concert tee from the 70s, but come on. How many monster truck rally shirts does one person need? I wonder if they'd want any BindView tee's?

- Concerts. Wow. In Houston, you could get pretty excited when a band you wanted to see came to town. Here, every band, comedian, classical musician, you name it, plays here. Everybody. Of course Paul McCartney and The Who, but also Ravi Shankar. And there are always stars on the radio promoting things. Every morning, every radio show has at least one guest that would be considered a big deal in Houston. Not here. They all live here and have nothing better to do on weekday mornings apparently. Memorial Day weekend one station played all 80s music and had musicians from the bands as guest dj's all weekend. Very strange.

Movie Quote Challenge:

Number 1: "I'll be taking these Huggies, and uh, whatever cash you got."

Number 2: "Oh wake up Norma, you'd be killing yourself to an empty house. The audience left twenty years ago."

That's it. Sorry again it wasn't as entertaining as some others, but I'll work on it for next time. Take care.

Greg

Movie Quote Answers:

Congratulations Henry Smith for being the first to correctly identify:

Number 1: Raising Arizona, by Joel and Ethan Coen

Number 2: Sunset Boulevard, by Charles Brackett

Way to go! He's been trying really hard from the beginning and finally got in fast enough!

Mandatory Title: Go Lakers!

It's that time again, and this one's a long one, so let's get rolling!

5/11 - 5/12 - I got to work on a film set! Woo hoo! It was just a small independent film, but super-cool nonetheless. It's called The Politics of Fur, and I believe it's been invited to several of the independent film festivals around the country (apparently one can be invited based on just a rough cut), and stars Katy Selverstone. She played Lisa, Drew Carey's window-dressing girlfriend in the first season of his show, and one of George's girlfriends, the one who didn't respond when he said "I love you." I don't consider her my first "celebrity sighting" though, because we worked together, and I actually spent a lot of time just hanging out and talking with her. Supposedly, when we were doing more filming in a park the following weekend, John C. Reilly walked by. That's the sort of thing that could count as a sighting, except I didn't see him and I have no idea who he is. If it had been Charles Nelson Reilly, now we're talking. Anyway, back to the story.

The following is going to contain lots of high-falootin' Hollywood technical talk, so I'll do my best to keep you up to speed. My job on the set was as a PA (production assistant), which is basically a gofer except that it's about nine levels below a gofer. Anyone and everyone on the set can tell me what to do, and believe me they did. However, I learned quite a bit and got to do a lot of cool stuff. For instance, while I was helping the gaffer (lighting director) set up the "inkies" and "tweenies" (different sizes of spotlights), I learned what a stinger (extension cord) and a three (tripod) are. While I was expanding my vocabulary, I was shown a clothespin and asked what I thought it was called. Trying to go with the flow, I answered "clamp?" Now, this next part is completely true without any embellishment on my part whatsoever: no, she said, they're called C-47s. What the? Of course I had to know why, and when I asked, the three people currently on the set gave me three completely different answers: "They call them that on the budget list so people won't know what it is and they can charge more for them." "That was the label on the drawer where they used to be kept." and "It has to do with the size of the clip." Not wanting to feel left out, I added, "I heard it was because of rationing during WW2, and that was the stamp required to get one." And the gaffer looked at me and said, "Really?" Personally, I suspect in reality it's just another smokescreen by The Man to keep me out of the biz.

One of my duties was to rustle up The Talent (actors, which is a name I'm sure they invented), so I got to spend a lot of time with Katy. I personally had no problems with her, but there were others on the set who were not so fortunate. I witnessed many a scene where she became some sort of diva and insisted on arguing with the director. I think they were shocked to have a PA who had a college education and actually did stuff, because by the end of the first day, I had already been promoted to a Boom operator. This is the guy who holds that huge microphone just out of frame (hopefully) so that the actors can be heard clearly. I didn't ask why it was called a boom, but I imagine it has to do with the sound heard through the headphones when somebody mistakenly rams it into an actor. Not that I did that. The second day, I actually became the sound guy for a few hours. He had taught me how to work the equipment the day before, so when he couldn't make it I was put in charge. It was pretty simple, but it was kind of neat to be doing something a little more essential. Plus, it gave me a reason to be on the set at all times. This was a plus because there was a sex scene involving nudity, so that definitely made it worth it. I would go into more detail, but this is supposed to be a PG-13 newsletter, so you'll just have to use your imagination or ask me about it in person. It wasn't too intense or pornographic, but it did involve two women.

Anyway, I met a lot of really nice people and made some really good contacts. This was very much a small independant film, but that was actually better because everyone knew each other. Plus, I get my name in the credits! I'll be sure to let you know when I make it into the IMDb.

5/15 - I went and saw a really goofy band at the Whiskey-a-Go-Go. First about the Whiskey. This is a very famous club that has debuted bands like The Doors, and most big bands of that era played there. So this is a place with a lot of history as far as rock and roll goes. Unfortunately, except for the outside you would never guess it. The inside is so clean and fresh you would think it was built this year. What a drag. I was expecting graffiti on the wall, beer stained floors, random crap and autographs littering the walls, but there was none of this. Sigh. But on to the band. They were called The Neu Tickles, and they were a German band trying to make it in the US. Despite their thick accents, they sang pretty reasonable English tunes. Horst, the head of the band, played an electric ukulele while The Sexy Mimi Vinyl sang the lead (I'm not just making commentary by calling her sexy, it actually says on her business card (?) Mimi Vinyl, The Sexy). There was a bass player playing an Imac, a violinist, a guitarist, and a drummer. Needless to say they had an unusual sound. I tried very hard to decide who they sounded like. It was almost as if they were emu

lating American bands, but didn't know which ones were still popular. The best description I can come up with is a combination of Devo, The Ramones, and most especially the Bugaloos. A quick "Ein, zvei, drei" before launching into "We are the Neu Tickles" was very strange. Another popular song was Trouser Man, with the rousing chorus, "Take off your pants." All in all, a very strange show. Now, how did I find out about this band, you may ask? Well, I actually work with Mimi Vinyl, except that isn't her real name of

course. She also isn't German. None of the band is. The whole show is some sort of strange farce in which they pretend to be Germans pretending to be rock stars. Definitely entertaining.

5/16 - Star Wars: Episode II: The Attack of the Clones opens. Of course I had to see it. I wanted

to go to Mann's Chinese, but the guy I went with (my friend Ryan) told me that theatre isn't any good anymore.

So we went to the Village Theatre in Westwood. Now this was a cool theatre! It was huge, with a balcony, and ornate decorations throughout, including patterns painted into the ceiling. It was like the River Oaks must have been before they closed off the balcony to make the tiny theatres upstairs. It had an amazing sound system, with bass that almost caused an involuntary bowel movement. Was there a line? Oh yes. The friend who got me the tickets went to the 7:00 am show that day, and had been in line starting at 3:00 am. After that show, he immediately got right back in line. I arrived at about 12:30 for the 3:30 show, and there was still a line all the way around the block. Was it worth it? Well, I won't say anything about the movie itself, but the crowd was definitely worth it. There really weren't any people in costume, but the enthusiasm and cheering and laughing and applause they gave during the movie made it a great experience. Plus, best of all, there was a special feature that supposedly was happening in this theatre alone: They showed the *original* trailer for the first Star Wars from 1977! It was awesome! Talk about bad! There was no music, which of course made things far less dramatic and allowed you to hear the awkward "thunk" of fallen stormtroopers. It was terribly grainy, and they hadn't even developed the trademark lettering for Star Wars yet. Best of all though, was the voice over announcer. He was very 70s, as was the dialog: "It's a story about a boy, a girl, and a universe" and "A movie one billion years in the making." It was classic. This alone was worth the price of admission, I think, because of all the memories it brought back.

5/18 - I went to see The Kids in the Hall at the Wiltern Theatre. They are a comedy troupe that used to have a show that played after Saturday Night Live years ago. The show was pretty good, but the reason I mention it is the theatre. The name comes from the location, on the corner of WILshire and wesTERN (pretty clever, huh?) and it's beautiful. It was larger than the movie theatre I had recently been to, but smaller than the Ariel in Houston. It had all the classic Art Deco designs, and it made you feel like you had been transported back to see a show in the 1940s. There was an actual lobby with a great high ceiling and skylight, there was a nice bar, it was very cool and felt like it had a very interesting history. You know, the kind of place they tear down in Houston. The strangest thing about this tiny little theatre is that it is one of the places The Rolling Stones are playing when they come through. Yeah, good luck getting those tickets.

Whew! Busy week.

Most recent best VR mistranslations:

Thoughts did you = sausages

Rock's first teen idol = rocks burst penile

LA Survival Tips: Drivers

- Unlike Texas, where one out of three cars on the road is either an SUV or truck of some kind, in L.A. there are only about one in ten. In fact, I would put the breakdown like this: of ten cars, three are Mercedes, three are BMWs, one is an SUV, and the last two are "other." This offers less chance of having your vision blocked by a monster vehicle, but greatly increases the cost of any wreck you might be in.

- On the other hand, nine out of ten drivers are using their cell phones. Of those nine, three are usually putting on make-up or eating fast food as well. This of course is not much different from the rest of the country.

- Speeding is not as important as accelerating. It doesn't matter if there is an open lane into which a driver could easily pass another, it is more important to rush up as close as possible to the back bumper. After a few seconds of this, it is time to find another car to follow closely. This is true in other cities as well, but L.A. just seems to have a passion and dedication to this style of driving.

- I was told by some friends who grew up out of Texas that when learning to drive they called a wide turn that crossed several lanes a "Texas Turn." They thought it was just called this because it was so large, like the state, until they moved there and discovered that that is indeed how turns are made in Texas. I had a similar experience. When I was learning to drive, when you just barely came to a stop at a stop sign but really were just cruising through it, it was called a "California Stop." I too mistakenly associated the term with the perceived laid back attitude of Californians. Not so. In California, you cannot afford to come to a full stop at a stopsign, as that may prevent you from ever getting through it. Also, when so many people park on the streets, you're completely past the stop sign before you can even tell if it's clear to go or not. In essence, L.A. doesn't have any yield signs, they just put up stop signs instead.

Movie Quote Challenge:

Number 1: "If I'm here, and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? And certainly there's nothing wrong with a little feast on our time."

Number 2: "I thought we had decided not to fall in love. That we would be living a lie. That it would destroy our lives."

That's all I got for now. Have a great week, I'll talk to you soon.

Greg

Movie Quote Answers:

Dale Prasek was the first to correctly identify both quotes, and also the first repeat winner we've had. Should I disqualify him? Nah.

Number 1: Fast Times at Ridgemont High, written by Cameron Crowe

Number 2: Star Wars: Episode 2: Attack of the Clones, screenplay by George Lucas and Jonathan Hales

Hollywood Outsider

Holy cow is it update time already!? I guess working has made my life far less interesting. I'll have to change that! Anyway, short issue this time, but on we go:

4/26 - Tragedy strikes! I had one security blanket stolen from my clinging arms as swiftly as Lucy swiped Linus's's's. Marie and I went out for dinner at Chuy's, and it could not have been more different from the good ol' Texas version. "Heart Healthy?" "Lite?" What the hell are those doing on a Mexican restaurant's menu? I guess I'm too accustomed to Tex-Mex, and now I'll have to get used to Cal-Mex. I used to pride myself on my knowledge of the Chuy's menu, but obviously that will do me no good in this strange and frightening land. But I'm getting ahead of myself. First and foremost, there was no Elvis shrine. With no Elvis shrine, there's no Elvis Memorial Combo (a lovely Heart-non-Healthy combo that includes a fried egg on top). Next, the chips were good, but there was no creamy jalapeño hot sauce. Also, as has been the case in every Mexican restaurant we've visited, there is no such thing as queso for dipping chips. Apparently, a bowl of melted cheese is too complicated for California chefs. The margaritas were very strange. They did not come from a frozen margarita machine, which is generally a good thing, but in my opinion a frozen margarita should have the consistency of a Slurpee (TM) rather than be more like one on the rocks, except the rocks are crushed. Also, serving it in a pint glass rather than a margarita glass only serves to heighten this effect. On the rest of the menu, there were no cleverly titled dishes such as the "911," but they did have goat, as well as shrimp and fish. Now, these last two would not be so strange except for the fact that they were *not* available in tacos. Every meal also came with a salad (?). Now, I'm all for the garden rabbit food, but I thought that a salad in a Tex-Mex restaurant only came in a big bowl with chopped up chips, meat, cheese, and hot sauce. Lastly, the silverware didn't come in those groovy little bags that say "Sanitized for your protection." (Side note: A good friend of mine once mis-read that and thought it said "Sanctified for your protection," which is even better in my book). I believe that the silverware was perfectly fine, but it did eliminate the special fun of unwrapping a knife and fork. I guess in the end the lesson to be learned from all of this is the same lesson to be learned in almost all the rest of L.A.: Nothing is as it seems. Everything is shallow and surface only, designed to look good without necessarily being good.

4/27 - I was at Kinko's making some copies (duh) and using the paper cutter when out of the corner of my eye I saw a woman approaching to use the cutter. I looked up and saw an attractive young lady, dark skinned, dark hair, dressed in black. But there was something bright on her shoulder. On closer scrutiny, I saw that it was some sort of small parrot. Yes, a parrot. It was very brightly colored, with mostly brilliant yellow highlighted with greens and reds, and it was just casually perched on her shoulder as she walked around taking care of her business. I let her use the paper cutter as she had far less to cut than I, and also so I could take in this sight. Now, I pride myself on my creativity. I have always been a writer of some sort. Heck, I've upset my entire life gambling on my abilities in that regard. So, what cunning line, what amazing and interesting conversational opener did I utter? "Nice bird." Fortunately, as I moved away from the cutter I saw what I assumed was her boyfriend approaching. Either that or it was an amazing coincidence that another person was dressed in exactly the same manner. Oh yeah, he also had a huge gray McCaw on his shoulder. I suppose those are interesting pets to have, and as long as their wings are clipped, why not take them out for a night on the town. I just questioned the idea of wearing black under a bird.

4/22 - 5/3 - I've been working away at my strange job. I get to listen to interviews with people and simultaneously repeat everything they say to the computer, where it types it out and I correct all the mistakes. Every morning when I come in, I say "Good Morning" to the computer, and he always replies Good Morning. It's a better greeting than I've had at other jobs I suppose. Even when I hit him with a quick "Hey buddy!" he's always quick to respond in kind. Sometimes we get into a terribly endless loop of inane patter, but that too is much like other working environments I've experienced. I guess the interviews can be interesting, but it's still rather dull. You would not believe how often a musician can use the phrases "you know" and "know what I'm saying" in conversation. One rapper I listened to (Cee-Lo, I think, whoever that is) was able to combine the latter phrase into a two- and sometimes even one-syllable word. Very impressive, but not exactly helpful to me. To make it more interesting, I try to take notes of some of the better mis-translations. For example, "his anecdotes" became "Hispanic goats" and "Are you falling asleep?" became "refinanced lead." All in all, it's not too bad. It pays the bills. The people are very nice, and I stand out quite a bit because I'm the only one who's a wannabe-writer; everyone else is a wannabe-actor.

I think that's about it this time, sorry. For those of you who've asked, yes, I have been working on my screenplay. It's coming along pretty well, but I still have some plot details to flesh out. I'll tell you all about it when it's finished, I promise.

LA Survival Tips: Television News

- All the TV news-people are very attractive, seeing as how at one point they were aspiring actors. Well, not all. There's this one guy on one of the major channels that seems to be some hybrid of every race known to man. I have no problem with that, but it is very disturbing to look at. Disturbing and fascinating, actually.

- There is a televised car chase at least once a week. Let me say that again. There is a televised car chase *at least* once a week. There's a reason most of the scenes on Fox's America's Wildest Most Dangerous Wacky Dumbest Criminals Caught on Tape take place in California. It's a good thing there are always about 15 traffic helicopters in the air, not only for instant, on-the-spot coverage, but to make sure that the runners, even when on foot, can be seen from almost every conceivable angle. You thought watching O.J. flee was unusual? Nope. The only thing out of the ordinary is that it was broadcast nationwide rather than just on the local channels.

- The weathermen. Ughhh. You would think that in a place where the weather only varies by 10 degrees during the week/month/year, they would at least be able to get that right. There's a noticeable difference between 62 degrees and 72 degrees, especially when driving around in a Jeep with the top down. The local NBC affiliate, Channel 7, even has Doppler 7000, far superior to Houston Channel 2's measly Doppler 2000. I have the sneaking suspicion that there's only Doppler of the 1000 variety and that each city just multiplies it by whatever sounds cool to match their station. I hope there's not a Channel 15 out there. Also, a very interesting difference between here and back in Houston is that here they actually hope for rain and complain when the humidity is too low. Both of these contribute to the likelihood of grass fires, so it is definitely understandable, but still strange.

Movie Quote Challenge:

Number 1: "No. Absolutely not. When I get through that wire I'm not gonna be peeking over fences making maps for you guys. I'm gonna be so far away you couldn't hear it if they were shooting at me with howitzers."

Number 2: "Strange things are afoot at the Circle K."

Okay, that's it for me. Have a great week, I'll talk to you soon.

Greg

Movie Quote Answers:

Cecil Habermacher was extremely quick on the draw and got both of the quotes. Congratulations!

Number 1: The Great Escape, written by James Clavell and W.R. Burnett, based on the book by Paul Prickhill

Number 2: Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, written by Chris Matheson and Ed Solomon

Better luck next time!

Greg

L.A. Stories

Hey kids, what time is it?

No, not Howdy Doody time, it's update time! A fairly small issue this time, not a lot has happened yet. Anyway, here we go!

4/3 - 4/10 - Spent the week in Houston. I had a great time, even though it seemed kind of soon to be back. Oh, well. To all those I got to visit, thank you very much for your hospitality. To all those I didn't get to visit, I apologize. Start saving your pennies so I can drink beer on your tab next time!

4/12 - Went to The Roxy to see Echobrain. The Roxy is a cool rock-n-roll club almost as famous as The Whiskey-a-Go-Go (which I'll be going to May 15, but that's another story). Echobrain is the new band put together by Jason Newsted. Jason Newstead is the former bassist for Metallica. If you don't know who Metallica is, well, shame on you. Why anyone would leave Metallica is beyond me, but there he was. I wanted to write quite a bit about the opening "band," but I'm not sure if I'm up to it now. I'll give it a shot. Picture two guys on stage, one wearing what appeared to be a Domino's Pizza delivery jacket, running feverishly between two synthesizers. No, not musical instruments, but keyboards hooked up to computers. It was as if playing pre-recorded techno music was actually a performance. It was very strange. But they were definitely enjoying themselves, unlike the audience who seemed to be oblivious to anyone even being on stage, much like I was for the first 5-10 minutes.

Anyway, on to the main act. Echobrain was not very good. Jason Newsted was definitely playing his heart out, and was fantastic, but he had an enthusiasm that seemed totally out of place. It was sort of like seeing Mike Ditka coaching a little league football team. Sometimes a great performer can elevate a band, other times the band can degrade the performer. This was definitely an example of the latter. On the plus side, I was able to get a few feet from Newsted, which is about 1/100^th the distance I could expect at a Metallica show. Also, as Marie noticed, we didn't smell like smoke after the show, since people can't smoke in the bars in L.A. Definitely a bonus.

On another note, I have to mention something just because I was out at a club on a Friday night. Many people have asked me about the famed "L.A. Woman." You know, bleached blonde hair, blue eyes, big... basically just picture Pamela Anderson, except with more... or with less... ah, just picture Pamela Anderson. Well, anyway, yes, the stereotype does exist, and is actually quite plentiful. I would start a count much like the PAP (Phonies Against Phonies. I need to get a better acronym), but I'm afraid there just wouldn't be a point. My LAW (L.A. Women) count would be far too high. I've seen at least one almost every day I've been here. So let's just say the LAW factor for this particular show was pretty high. Perhaps I should consider myself an anthropologist studying them in their natural habitat. Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and be able to experience their mating rituals.

4/13 - I finally had a chance to go to the beach. Woo hoo! It was a beautiful sunny day, and I took a drive on a great canyon road all the way to Santa Monica. However, what I was unaware of was that the climate and temperature at the beach is very different from what it is at my apartment. I expected it to be colder, but it was overcast and rainy and not good. I watched "surfers" on the ocean. I use quotes because I rarely got to see them surf. They were more like "waiting-to-surfers." Dozens of black wet-suited dudes floating off the coast waiting for the Big One. Boring.

Next I went on to walk along the Promenade, which is not the same as the Boardwalk. The Promenade is a street closed off to cars so that people can promenade among the shops. I've also discovered that almost all entertainment in L.A. revolves around shopping, but I guess that's to be expected. Of course it was littered with people, tourists, homeless people, and street performers. This included a 10 year-old kid playing Hotel California on electric guitar (almost as cliché as hearing House of the Rising Son in New Orleans).

Now we get to the good part. I stopped into a resale shop, although this is not the good old Salvation Army kind, but a vintage clothing shop where they buy stuff at resale shops, re-price it and sell it as classic clothing. By habit, I immediately head to look for Hawaiian shirts. Much to my surprise (and delight) they had a whole *rack* for nothing but. Score! But as I looked through this goldmine of gaudy garments, I saw something that would forever change my life. Ladies and gentlemen, there I found The World's Ugliest Hawaiian Shirt. Many of you are probably shocked to hear me, of all people, use the concept of "ugly" and "Hawaiian shirt" in the same sentence, but there it was. I will try my best to describe it, though I'm afraid the words may not exist. It was startling. This was a shirt that in the sunshine looked like other shirts do under a blacklight. There were colors that could not possibly exist in nature. They probably shouldn't have been created by man, let alone placed next to each other on a shirt. There were five shades of green, three shades of purple, reds, yellows, oranges, and a pink which was far beyond what would be called "hot." The pattern, maybe I shouldn't use that term because it implies consistency, was somewhat symmetrical. The design included flowers, paisleys, spikes, stars, ovals, spikes, and swirls. It was by far the most hideous thing I have ever seen. In the end, all I can say is thank God it was in my size.

4/15 - 4/18 - I started my job at The Transcription Company. That's capitalized not for emphasis, but because that's actually the name of the company. I would like to go into more detail about it, but this update is running longer than anticipated and more importantly, I'm still in training, so not many tales to tell yet. I'm sure it is going to be very interesting.

4/19 - We found it! Finally, after very little searching, we have discovered our neighborhood bar. It's called Duffy's, which alone is good because it reminds me of Homer Simpson's favorite beer. Second, and best of all, the bartenders gave us free shots as long as we drank them with them! Ya gotta love a bar where the bartenders drink with ya! The shot was called an Irish Car Bomb. I'm not really sure what was in it, but it was made by dropping a shot glass of something into a cocktail glass of Guinness. It is then necessary to slam this drink, which tastes amazingly like a chocolate shake. That's a bad thing for me, but I managed to struggled past it.

That's enough for now.

LA Survival Tips - This Issue: Grocery Stores

The main grocery store chain here is called Ralph's. It's a pretty pleasant place, like any grocery store, but there's more:

-They carry Shiner Bock. Granted, it's not my favorite beer, but it was surprising to see it nonetheless. It was a pleasant connection back to Texas when I first arrived.

-They sell liquor. Though this isn't a draw for me, they have probably more selections in the straight alcohol department than beer. You name it: brandy, vodka, rum, whiskey, tequila (well, not good tequila).

-They have 13-inch color LCD displays in the check-out lanes. Not for the cashiers, but for the people waiting in line. There's a main pane that shows cartoons and quick cooking recipes, there's a bar on the bottom that has the current sports scores, there's a part on the side that has the weather and news headlines. I should have known that in L.A. it would be impossible to escape from television, even while standing in line.

-They have the good old fashioned conveyor belts. You get to unload all your groceries yourself, which I think is great fun! People are quite serious about the divider bar, too. On a side note, I heard a story about a cashier who actually tried to scan one of the divider bars. After trying very hard to find the bar codes, the customer saved her and just said he didn't want it.

-The sackers are just as terrible as everywhere else. What happened to job quality in the sacker profession? When I was a member of this proud trade, we were actually instructed how to pack the perfect bag. Now, I'm happy to get more than four items in a bag. I've tried everything. I've tried paper and plastic. In paper I've had placed a 12-pack of Coke. In plastic I've had a bag with nothing but a loaf of bread in it. I've even used the conveyor belt to my best advantage by ordering the items as they should be placed in the bag, but to no avail. It is a sad, sad comment on the youth of America.

Now here's the part you've all been waiting for, Movie Quote Trivia! Good luck!

Number 1: "Jeff, do you think a murderer would let you see all that? That he wouldn't pull the shades down and hide behind them?"

Number 2: "Is that... is that hair gel?"

Until next time, be good.

Greg

Movie Quote Answers:

The first to correctly identify *both* quotes was Patrick Reilly.

The first was from Rear Window (one of my all-time favorites) written by John Michael Hayes.

The second was from There's Something About Mary, written by Ed Decter & John Strauss, and Peter & Bobby Farrelly.

Thanks for playing, good luck next time!

Californy Away We Go

Howdy howdy, kids!

I'm sending out a supplemental update because I'll be in Houston some of this and next week (4/4 - 4/10) and I wanted not only to let you know I'd be around, but also so that next week you wouldn't think I'd forgotten about my audience. (I won't use the word "fans" until I've made it big. Then I can forget all about you.)

So, on with the update.

3/24 - Oscar Night Party! Technically, this should have been in the last update, but technically I forgot. In keeping with a long tradition, my roommate Marie (from now on, I'm not going to make this introduction), hosted an Oscar Party. Normally, it has been a requirement to dress as a character from the year's movies, but I couldn't find my Shrek outfit, so we let it go this year. However, we did have groovy snacks like Lord of the Ring Dings, Gosford Pork Rinds, MeMentos, and of course, Shrek Shots. The last of these were to be taken on any mention of Shrek, but towards the end of the evening we started mentioning it ourselves just to "get rid of them." A fun time was had by all, and I won for most correctly picked winners (Oops, I mean "Oscar goes to's"). Of course, a lot of that has to do with good guessing on categories where no one has ever seen the movies.

3/26 - Went to see the Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn again. Craiggers. It's a lot more fun than watching a taping of a sitcom because you're only in there for a couple of hours. The 30-minute sitcoms can take as long as four hours or more. Anyway, they didn't have John Cleese! He had taped earlier. However, they made up for it by having Paul Reiser tape for his show two days early. The mixing and matching of show segments throughout the week is pretty interesting. The stage is so small, they tape the bands before the show, and Craiggers isn't even there. At the end of the show he just says "Let's hear it for" then immediately follows it up with "Wow, wasn't that just great?" Welcome to show biz.

3/27 - Woo hoo! I got the transcription job! I'm no longer destitute (though donations are still accepted) and I get to talk to a computer all day. I just hope it doesn't give me any lip, or heads will roll.

3/28 - Met with Faith, a friend of Marie's. Upon hearing I was a writer, that somehow immediately qualified me to critique her script. Yikes. I'm not perfect, but let's just say I now understand why good writers are sought after out here. Hopefully I can fill that need, or else we're in store for a lot more of the same old clichés in the movies.

Later that night, she took me to a place called the Barsac. An oddly snooty restaurant/bar, considering the name. Anyway, I got to meet a lot of her friends in the business, which was voice-over work. Everyone there worked as cartoon character voices, commercial voice-over people, etc. It was pretty cool. I met one girl, Kimtai, who is the "Voice of Sears." This is apparently a title of great distinction. I asked her all about tools and lawnmowers, but unfortunately that's not her department. I heard that the "Voice of Vonn's" (a local grocery store) was also present, but sadly I didn't get to meet him.

Alright there you go - that's my week.

LA Survival Tips - This Issue: Radio

LA is famous for having cool radio, and it's pretty true. I've been listening to two stations almost exclusively.

KROQ - This is the LA version of The Buzz, or rather I should say the reverse. They play all sorts of cool things that you either haven't hear in 10 years or have never heard before. They are no where near as repetitive, and it's difficult keeping up. They play so many songs before breaking for commercials or DJ's, it's really very refreshing.

KLOS - This is the LA version of KLOL. They are sort of a hybrid of Rock and Classic Rock. Like KLOL, but they play a lot more Rush (yay) and The Who (yay) and Metallica (yay). They have daily blocks of Whole Lotta Led, and Mandatory Metallica. It's cool. But by far the coolest thing about it is DJ Jim Ladd. He's the spitting image of Dr. Johnny Fever, and perhaps even the inspiration for that character. He's been around forever, and when he plays, it's a whole evening. He plays album rock, or Deep Cuts as he calls it, which is the songs you've never heard on the radio from the b-side of your favorite album. That song that you love but you didn't think anyone else even knew about. It's awesome.

Okay, that's it. Here are some quotes. They weren't the ones I wanted to use, but I'm still researching those. See you next time kids!

Movie Quote Challenge:

"No matter what anyone tells you, words and ideas can change the world."

"Quite an experience to live in fear, isn't it? That's what it is to be a slave."

Movie Quote Answers:

Congratulations to Mary Felder, the first to answer correctly (extremely quickly, too)!

For the record, the first was from Dead Poet's Society, by Tom Schulman. The second was from Blade Runner, by Hampton Fancher based on a story by Philip K. Dick, Vance. ; )

Better luck next time!