The Boring Identity

Welcome back!

Yes, I know, this one's late too. Believe it or not, I was going to send it out last Thursday, but I decided to wait until today for a number of reasons: I knew I'd have more tales to tell because of an event I was attending, I would have a chance to develop pictures and post them online, and I wanted to get back onto the Monday schedule. This last may not sound important, but it is to me because it is one tiny way in which I can enforce discipline for myself, something I have been sadly lacking lately. Anyway, enough with the whiny excuses, on with the show!

Wow, how far back do I have to go? It seems like ages.

7/6 - Yet another tale from the Silent Movie theater. As you can tell, I've become quite a regular fixture there. I've tried to get a job there on a couple of occasions, but sadly no luck. Anyway, the feature, or I should say the movie, was Harold Lloyd's For Heaven's Sake. It's very good, and rare to see Lloyd anywhere these days, even though he was the number one box office draw at the time. Anyway, the actual *feature* of the night was a special opening band that played on stage before the movie. It was Janet Klein and her Parlor Boys, and of course I don't expect you to have ever heard of her. They played all period music from the 10s, 20s, and 30s. The lead singer looked, dressed, and acted the part. She looked just like Louise Brooks, another famous silent film star. The theater was packed! It was great to see so many people there, but sad that so many had just come to hear the band only because of a favorable write up in the paper. The couple next to me didn't even stay for the movie! What's another hour to see something you've never seen before, and likely never will again? She sang these strange and wonderful tunes in an almost Betty Boop like voice. Some were strangely bawdy ("let me put my banana in your fruit basket, baby" Although why a woman would sing that I have no idea.), others were just simple and romantic. It was truly a great experience. They even did an old Burns & Allen routine, including little quips during the song. A sample groaner:

George: You are quite a girl, you know that.

Gracie: I know. But I used to me more.

George: Oh? How's that?

Gracie: My mother showed me a picture from when I was two.

The back up band was pretty amazing as well. One guy was playing a Stroh violin, a weird contraption that looked like half a fiddle with a horn stuck in it. It amplified and aimed the music so it could be recorded better. Wow, entertaining and educational! Anyway, it was great fun. I've put a couple of MP3's on my website if you're interested (the link's at the bottom). If you liked the O Brother, Where Art Thou? soundtrack, then I think you'd like this. Even if not, it's interesting.

7/7 - As a result of my addiction to the silent movies, I've been bringing different people there to get hooked as well. Marie's parents were in town so they were exposed, as well as the previously mentioned Joe Grisaffi. Just a refresher, Joe's the director of Laughing Boy (available on DVD August 27). Anyway, he was really taken by the silent, and re-inspired about an old idea he had. We talked about it, he liked my ideas, so now we're working away on a short film! Woo hoo! It's still in the early stages, but Joe's really excited about it, and he's definitely a guy who can get things done. It's called "Buster Keaton Meets the Living Dead." It's an homage to both the old Keaton movies and Night of the Living Dead, mixing the genres of the two. Believe it or not, it is going to be very funny. As for the current working title, a close friend of Joe's was friends with Buster Keaton's wife and thought he could get permission to use his name. Sadly, she is now passed on, so that connection is gone. We'll still pursue it, but it could be that we have to make up some fictional silent comedian like Slappy McGillicutty or something. Anyway, I'll be sure to keep you posted. Anyone want to play a zombie as an extra?

7/9-10 - My wonderful sister was in San Diego and invited me down for a visit. How can I refuse? Plus, I got to meet more stewardesses! Oops, I mean flight attendants. Anyway, San Diego is a beautiful city, and it's right next to the Happiest Place on Earth: Tijuana. Of course a visit was required. For those of you who know of my fondness for good tequila, you can imagine how excited I was to be able to get some for cheap. Sadly, all they had was the cheap stuff. I'm sure if I could get deeper into town I could find a store with a better selection, but sadly in the high tourist areas they cater to the lowest common denominator, and the really good stuff was hard to find. Oh well. I won't go into all the sordid details, but here are some words of wisdom from what I learned:

1) When the promotion guys in front of a bar entice you in with two- or three-for-one drink specials, they don't mean you'll all get *a* drink for the price of one, they mean you'll all get *three* drinks for the price of one.

2) If they give you a small shot of "tequila," more than likely it is similar in taste to rubbing alcohol. Not that that's bad, necessarily...

3) Never trust a man with a bottle of Cuervo and a whistle around his neck.

4) It is impossible to look cool in a sombrero.

7/13 - Marie and I went to a local radio station-sponsored concert called Livestock. It was a combination of bands and comedians, alternating between the two. It was pretty good, but I mention it just because something I thought was weird happened. As you can imagine from any outdoor, multi-band, radio station concert, the crowd was rather diverse. Mullets were not rare. Anyway, the second act to hit the stage was Richard Lewis, the neurotic, black-suited comedian from shows like "Anything But Love" with Jamie Lee Curtis and his recent role as a rabbi on "7th Heaven." (Come on, you don't watch that show?) He mentioned at the beginning of his set that he has cleaned up through rehab. That may have been a mistake. He got booed off the stage! I realize that his frantic, whining, New York Jew comedy might not be to everyone's taste, but booed off stage? That just seemed weird to me. This is a relatively big name comedian. But, like I said, without the cocaine-induced paranoia and hyperactivity, he really wasn't in top form. Oh well. It was still embarrassing to watch.

7/17 - I have this group of friends that I get together and play board games with about once a week. It sounds incredibly geeky, I know, but if you've ever played these games you'd understand. But that's a different story. It's fun, plus a good way to meet people, or as it's called in this town, "make contacts." This time I found out that one of the guys I've been playing with worked on Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Lots of people did, but he was the one who actually designed the spacesuits! He doesn't do anything like that now, but that was his first gig when he got out of college, and I just thought that was cool. Thanks for letting me share.

7/19 - Remember the independent film I worked on a few months ago? The Politics of Fur. It had it's L.A. premiere, and since I worked on it I got a free ticket. I'm all about free these days. It was at a gay and lesbian film festival called OutFest. Lots of single chicks there, I tell you. And hot, too, if you're into combat boots and leg hair. At least I found out what the title of the movie meant. It opened with a "short film" that was one of the most ridiculous things I've seen. It was a really poor quality video looking out from the elevator as it climbed the Eiffel Tower. That's it. Oh, and Edith Piaf singing "La Vie en Rose" in English (travesty). Okay. So, on to the feature. It was okay I guess, but I'm really not a good judge of independent lesbian cinema. It was well received by the audience though, and that's all that matters. The really important part of the story is afterwards. As much of the cast and crew that was around met at a nearby watering hole to celebrate the screening. I met a couple more PAPs, bringing the total to four, which is much lower than I expected by now. I need to meet more people in the biz I suppose. I talked with the actor who played the gay man (sometimes somewhat explicitly), and heard his story about how he wasn't gay when he played it, but it put him so in touch with a gayness he had been hiding, that it helped him come out. That's great for him, and a great story, but it also makes me question the strength of his "acting" skills in that role. But all of this is really just leading to something I heard that I believe is the best L.A. statement I've heard so far. One of the other crew members was talking about how she just got back from a Meditation Retreat. No, that's not it. She said, "It really stressed me out." What the? Was she doing it wrong? Were they having strenuous meditation exercises presided over by an over-zealous Drill Sergeant? Did she get her money back? Plus, she said that's why she couldn't remember our names. Good excuse, I guess.

7/20 - I had my first visitor! Cecil Habermacher, a friend from work, was passing through town and we got to meet for breakfast/lunch. (I refuse to say brunch). And he paid! I'm all about free these days. Thanks, Cecil. It was great catching up and hearing tales from the old workplace, and reminding myself that I'm not just on vacation, due to return to work any day now.

7/21 - I finished the screenplay! It's still a rough first draft, but now I can start getting feedback, start on my next idea, and clear my mind a little before I go back to polish it some more. I'm only letting a few people read the first rough, but after the first revision when I'm happier with it, I'll let more take a look at it. But only if they're willing to be extremely critical. I need that, and I want that. Anyway, the first draft is the hardest, so I'm extremely pleased to have that out of the way.

That's it. I'm done. I have more random tidbits, but due to the length of this one, I'll just hold them for some other time. Please check out the website and photos. Oh yeah, I almost forgot! I got an awesome picture of the In & Out Burger. It was also one of the days where they put a trainee out by the sign to take orders personally, so I got her in the shot as well. Now you can see the famed simple sign I talked about all those updates ago.

Take care, everyone.

Greg

Movie Quote Challenge:

Number 1: "Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate."

Number 2: "He may look like an idiot, and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."

Movie Quote Answers:

Kelly Tice has once again correctly identified the movie quotes. He even included a .wav file of the second one (Groucho Marx) in a pathetic attempt to brownnose me. Ha. Thanks for the file, though. I was really hoping the Duck Soup one would take a little longer, but oh well. Like I've said before, it's difficult to tell which quotes are too hard, and which are too easy. Have a great week!

Number 1: Being John Malkovich, by Charlie Kaufman

Number 2: Duck Soup, by Bert Kalmar and Harry Ruby.

Corn on the Fourth of July

Hello hello-

Yes, yes, for those of you keeping track, this note is a few days late. The sad truth of the matter is, I don't really have anything very interesting to talk about. So, this one will be pretty short. Of course, I've said that before and somehow always managed to take up a fairly large amount of space, so let's see.

6/17 - 6/21 - Work really slowed down at The Transcription Company. We have a daily ritual of calling in every morning to see if they have work for us. This week was very, very slow. There were days when no work was available until mid-afternoon. This is not good. Speaking of which, I sort of got in trouble at work, too! I say "sort of" because it was somewhat of a trouble-by-proxy kind of thing. I had been talking with my friend Adele (the documentary filmmaker?), explaining to her what I do, and how weird it was. She was intrigued and wanted to look into actually doing a short documentary about it. I have to admit, talking to a computer all day is interesting in a weird sort of way. She contacted the head of the company to look into it, and here's where the danger began. When she revealed me as her source, red flags went up. Apparently, I'm under a confidentiality agreement that keeps me from talking about what I do. I guess it's like I'm in the CIA or something. Probably some of my past updates would get me killed! Except for the occasional mention in the updates (please ignore everything I said about Kenny Loggins!), I really had refrained from talking about *what* I talked about, but it seems I wasn't allowed to talk about *how* I did it either. Strange, since the voice recognition software is available to everyone. Anyway, it looked as if it was going to be a big to-do, but so far nothing has really come of it. The president of the company invited her for a tour, she decided it wasn't as interesting as it sounded, at least not enough for a documentary, and there hadn't been enough work for me so by the time I got back to work it had pretty much blown over. However, there could be more to come. The president makes a policy of having lunch with each of his employees, and mine is coming up. I hope he doesn't take away my badge and gun.

6/23 - Every month there is the L.A. SciFi and Comic Book Convention, and this time I decided to get a booth to promote our Texasylum on the West Coast. Hey, it can't hurt to have more exposure, besides the table was cheap. The convention itself is fairly impressive, at least by Texas standards. It was pretty big, very crowded, and every month they manage to have big name guests. It's just like the morning radio talk shows-- everybody in L.A. is promoting something, so any opportunity to show their stuff they're going to take. As for me, being the big name celebrity that I am signing comic books, it was mostly just the same old thing. For those of you who have luckily escaped hearing me rant and complain about participating in comic book shows, I'll give you some insight. For those of you who have (a hundred times), I'll keep it brief. I hate it. Standing out there, hawking my wares, being friendly to weird strangers like a cheap prostitute, all for a measly $3 sale. But hey, you got to promote yourself, right? That's what this town's all about, so I suck it up and smile. One interesting thing about this particular show was the kind of questions I was asked. Being the writer, I don't often get a lot of questions since most comic book fans are more focused on the art. But here, there were a lot of people doing the writing thing. But what was really odd, I thought, was the number of people who asked how I actually published a book. As if it took some incredible act to contact a publisher, write a check, and come back with a box of comics. I mean, out here all you have to do is call yourself a producer, and Bam! You are one. There are no regulations or requirements, just the will. I was surprised that attitude didn't extend further. Anyway, sales were good, it was lonely at the booth, but the neighboring booths were interesting. Rather than put all of one type together (like struggling, disgruntled, independent comic publishers), the organizers wanted to mix it up. There was a bootleg video salesman to my left, a booth of "collectible" toys that had come out in the last two years to my right, and behind me, discount DVD porn. So, I guess it was at least interesting.

After the show, it got even more interesting. On the windshield of my car, as well as every car in the parking lot, was not just a flier, but a videotape wrapped in a flier. "AN OPEN LETTER" it says in large type, above a picture that looks like Charles Manson, but I've decided it's actually the maker of the video. Text all over the paper claims that the tape is "too intense," "If you have a television there is no escape," and "It casts a spell in effect, and the blow weakens your psyche." Plus, it said "One viewing of this tape, and you will die in seven days!!!!" So, of course I had to watch it. I mean, what better way to make the next seven days exciting? Well, I don't want to spoil it for all of you, so I won't go into plot details, but it wasn't very good. In fact, there was no plot, and I was very dismayed by the extent to which it reminded me of the documentary shorts I had watched a few weeks before. You remember, clouds, trees, light reflecting off water? Only this time, the images were far less interesting, and somewhat twisted. An eclipse, maggots, static, that sort of thing. Fortunately, it was only about five minutes long, so it had that going for it versus the documentaries. If you dare! to read the amusing whole text of the letter, plus I think a web-version of the video, check out the site: www.anopenletter.com (link no longer valid -G.). I don't know if visiting the site will cause you to die in seven days, though. With the speed of the internet, it's probably more like four.

6/24 - 6/28 - Another workless week at The Transcription Company. This is getting very bad. So bad, in fact, that I've also been looking into doing contract work in, aah, say it isn't so! tech writing. My personal albatross. However, in a positive light, I've also been using the time to write the screenplay. About time, you say. Yes, well. The way I've always worked is to constantly churn the material in my head, then when it's ready I can just vomit it all out onto the page pretty much at once. In fact, that is an additional reason this update is late, is because I seriously expected to be finished this past Sunday. Alas, not to be. The ideas are flowing perfectly, but the actual barfing is taking longer than I expected. However, there is no doubt I'll finish it in the next day or two. It's called "The Ace of Clubs," and the log line (fancy term for one-line summary) is "An up-and-coming pro golfer discovers that his caddying brother has actually been helping him win by manipulating the ball with his mind." It's a light, feel-good kind of movie, very different from the comic book, obviously. My dad will be very pleased with that! But don't worry, the next one that's currently coagulating in my brain is much more dark and serious. Anyway, I'll probably be putting the treatise (fancy term for a long, complete synopsis) up on my website in a few days if you're interested. I haven't decided if I'll post an Acrobat version of the actual script, but even if I do, it won't be until after several revisions. If you're worried about me risking losing my idea to another writer, don't. I'll be registering it with the Writer's Guild, of course, but in Hollywood, it's actually cheaper to buy an idea than it is to steal it. Just a weird way things work.

7/1 - One benefit of the delayed update is I get to tell an additional story. Monday, Marie had members of her improv troupe over to practice. It's actually a combination skit/improv group somewhat like Saturday Night Live, so they had scripts to read from. It's called the Justice League of Idiots, and they all have superhero take-off names, and the skits all revolve around that sort of superhero humor (some of it kinda crude, so definitely not a show for the parents). I don't know what the Superman character is called, but Marie plays "Wonderbra Woman," and another guy who is over was a version of the Flash called "Fasty." I immediately said, "Wouldn't it be funnier if your name was Quicky?" Oops. That got me in a little bit of trouble. They liked it. I got to sit in and listen to them rehearse, and take notes, and make comments, and add jokes and material. I was supposed to be working on the script, but I ended up writing for these guys! Actually, it really was a lot of fun, and I discovered I had a lot of talent for it. One of the guys said he had a friend who's job was to do just that. He's called a Punch-Up Writer, and he takes jokes from Leno or whatever, then tweaks them to make them a little better. Wow, I could do that! So, a new avenue to pursue for me.

Okay, well that's going to be it for me this time. No doubt I'll think of many things I've forgotten once this goes out, but oh well. I hope everyone has a fantastic Independence Day and long holiday weekend!

Greg

Movie Quote Challenge:

Number 1:

"Words. Words. They're all used up. They're hard to say. They've all been wasted (give it to me) on the shampoo commercials, and the ads, and the flavorings. All those beautiful words. I mean, how can you love a floor wax? How can you love a diaper? I mean, how can I use the same word about you that someone else uses about stuffing? I'm exploding with love for you, and I can't use the word."

Number 2:

"Gentlemen! You can't fight in here, this is the War Room!"

Movie Quote Answers:

Wow, this one was close! Kelly Tice gets the prize, but Dale Prasek answered correctly as well. Unfortunately, his e-mail arrived one minute later (based on time stamp, not my reception). Nice work. Interestingly enough, this puts Tice in a tie with Prasek for correct answers!

Number 1: Roxanne, by Steve Martin

Number 2: Dr. Strangelove, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, by Stanley Kubrick, Peter George & Terry Southern.

Thanks for playing!

Tra La La La-La-Land

Hey everybody! Welcome once again to my adventures in L.A.! Roll camera and... Action!

6/4 - A while back, Marie introduced me to a friend of hers named Joe Grisaffi. She had been telling me how well we would get along, which of course made me want to prove her wrong. Alas, she was right and we've become fairly good friends. It's sometimes spooky how many things we have in common. He made a film while he was in Houston, and he is in the process of moving out here to "break in" just like the rest of us. Anyway, what's the point of this? On this night we were all going out to a screening he had arranged for his film at a local cafe. It was kind of a strange set up. The cafe itself was rather tiny, with almost all the seating outside. On one side of the cafe was the large blank white wall of the neighboring building. This is where the movie was to be projected. So, we all settled into our lawn chairs outside in the cool air for his movie. It was very bohemian; I felt so chic. They turned on the video projector, and started with Joe's short student film first. I can't remember the title of it, but I do remember it being stuffed to the gills with bad puns and student film clichés. It was only 10 minutes, but it was very long. And Joe was sitting right next to me! What do I say? We had been talking casually before, and now that the short film has played, I'm afraid to say a word. Fortunately, he was called away to the back of the walk-in theater to greet more guests. I closed my eyes and did my best to prepare myself for whatever may happen in the Main Feature.

The main feature (written, directed, and starring Joe Grisaffi) was Laughing Boy. It's actually listed in the IMDb if you're interested. Well, what can I say? It wasn't terrible. In fact, it was much better than the preceding student film had led me to expect. It was basically about a guy and his trouble fitting into the normal world expected of him, all of which taking place in the course of a single party one evening. There were some clever moments and some wit, but it didn't work (for me at least) in part because the main character you're supposed to be identifying with is an asshole, by his own admission as well. Also there seemed to be a feeling of trying too hard. Sure, not every one-liner is going to be a classic, but there ought to be a better ratio than one out of ten. And there were dozens of tens. The acting was more sporadic. Those that were good were excellent, but sadly they were outnumbered by those who were bad, who were terrible. I couldn't help but be reminded of a line from one of my favorite movies, The Rocketeer: "Act, but don't *act* like you're acting." An additional uncomfortableness I must inject here-- remember the screenwriter I met in the beginning? The one who sold the idea for $40,000? Well, he too is from Houston, and he appeared as an "actor" in Laughing Boy. Let's just say he wasn't part of the minority. So now I have two people I can't talk to about the film! So what did I do with Joe? Simple. I just talked about pinball. Works every time. To be fair, the movie was very well produced. It was well directed, looked very professional (for the most part). It just wasn't very good, and that's not bad, really. It just needed a better script! ;)

Now I know a lot of you are probably thinking, "Who the heck does he think he is criticizing this guy's work? What has he ever done?" Well, first of all, I have just as much right to criticize as anyone else who ever sees a movie. Second, I've taken plenty of barbs over the comic book over the years, which I actually find helpful. Personally, I prefer criticisms because no one ever lies when they're being negative.

Speaking of the comic book, here's a weird anecdote. Joe Grisaffi used to live in Houston and do any film work he could get. He's actually working in Austin now as a casting director (no, I can't get you into the movie so don't ask). Anyway, long before he and I ever met, he knew a guy who knew Flynn who gave him some of our early issues to be set dressing in one of the movies! Sadly, they were stolen from the set, so our big screen premier has been delayed. But hey, at least someone thought they were worth stealing!

6/9 - Marie and I went out with Adele, our friend the Director of Photography from the Politics of Fur movie a while back. She's much more interested in documentary film making, so she invited us to a screening of some experimental documentary shorts by a guy named Alfred Gazetti. Yikes. Experimental was right, although he may have been experimenting with something other than film at the time. They introduced them as being sort of like "travelogues" in that they didn't have the traditional narrative. That's one way of putting it. There were about a dozen films, all about 10 minutes long. Whew, I thought Joe's student film was long? That was a piece of cake. These had some interesting shots of clouds, and light shining through trees, and then sunlight reflecting off water, and maybe a person in the water, and them some other random stuff. Then they had some less interesting shots of clouds, and light shining through trees, and sunlight reflecting off water, a person in water, and other stuff. And then they had some quite boring shots of clouds, and light shining through trees, and sunlight reflecting off water, a person in water, and other stuff. Has anyone ever seen Koyaanisqatsi? If you have, imagine that with less interesting music, less interesting visuals, and less variety. He also seemed to have recently come across some of the nifty video editing tools that came with his computer program, which allowed him to have split screens, and boxes of clouds within clouds, and totally irrelevant text running across the bottom. In the end I decided it was like being in an art gallery, except instead of being able to choose which works you like and which you would just glance at, you are forced to stare at every single painting. For ten minutes. Each.

6/10-12 - What a fantastic series of days! Monday, I received a package I had been waiting for for quite some time. Anyone remember the sign-in book from my party at St. Arnold? Yes, I finally got it. Woo hoo! Thank you, David Good. Then on Tuesday, I received my first-ever care package! And what a package it was, too. Thanks to the enormously gracious hearts of Kelly and Toni Wittrock, I was able to experience a six-pack of St. Arnold Summer Pils. And boy did I experience it too. I read through the book and drank beer and listened to the Beatles and came very near nirvana. Then on Wednesday, I got yet another package, this time a Hawaiian shirt from my Parents in Hawaii (rubbing it in I guess) and tons of snacks procured by my sister from Southwest Airlines. Peanuts for everyone!

6/15 - The Silent Movie Theater was playing a Chaplin classic, The Kid, so of course I went to see it. The opening card of the film calls it "A picture with a smile, and perhaps-- a tear." I thought about using that as one of the trivia quotes, but decided that would be too hard. And of course somebody would be a stickler and say that it didn't count since nobody actually *said* it. Anyway, why mention the Silent Movie Theater again? Well, apparently a show on a Saturday night is a much different event than on a Sunday matinée. The owner and proprietor of the theater, who appeared about my age, got up on stage and performed a little song and dance number to welcome us to the theater. His love of the silents was very apparent. He talked about every film to be shown before the break, and introduced the piano accompaniment, Mr. Bob Mitchell. This man was nearly 90 years old, and had been playing to the silents since he was about 10, having seen many of them in their first run. There were a lot more people in attendance this time than before, and they all were really enjoying themselves. Some maybe too much. I can't describe it really, but the guy next to me seemed to be laughing a little *too* hard. It was almost as if he wanted people to know how smart he was by laughing at all the right parts or something. Anyway, during intermission everyone went out back, or out to the lobby, or wherever. I was surprised that no one even approached the piano player. So after a few minutes, I went up to talk to this incredibly unique person. He was amazing, and had great stories to tell. He was so old and frail looking, yet he was incredibly dynamic and fun to talk to. We talked for the entire intermission, and I couldn't believe no one else had any interest. Especially the forceful laughing guy.

After the intermission but before the feature started, the owner again came up on stage. This time he was offering prizes for answering trivia. I don't know enough to be in serious competition, but it was fun anyway. What I found truly incredible was one guy who stood up and was able to name all fourteen stars whose head shots went around the theater. I could have gotten six, maybe eight with luck, and this guy just rattled through them. This is definitely a town with movie fans.

Recent good VR mistranslations:

Polly Anna-ish = polymide fish

Herd of elephants = her developments (wow, now that's developed!)

This one is weak, but made funny by the context. In an interview with O-Town, some made-for-tv boy band like N'Sync, one of the guys said, "We're just here to be a band." What the computer wrote was, "We're just here to be abandoned."

That's all for now. See you next time!

Movie Quote Challenge:

Number 1: "Little surprises around every corner, but nothing dangerous. Don't be alarmed."

Number 2: "The horror. The horror."

Movie Quote Answers:

Today's quotes were correctly identified by KELLY TICE! Congratulations and super accolades!

Number 1: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, by Roald Dahl

Number 2: Apocalypse Now, by John Milius and Francis Ford Coppola

Thanks for playing, better luck next time!

Greg

To Live and Try in L.A.

Hey Gang-

Not much happening this time around, so this should be short.

5/22 - Interesting day at The Transcription Company. I got to transcribe an interview about the history of Hawaii. The VR program definitely had a problem with names like Queen Liliuokalani, Princess Kaahumanu, and Kalanemoku. Unfortunately, there was no discussion of the history of Hawaiian shirts, but it was still very entertaining. I learn a lot of interesting things at this job. For example, American missionaries actually created the written Hawaiian language for the Hawaiians so they could translate the Bible. It seems like it would have been easier to just teach them English, but what do I know. Also, when you're watching your Special Edition DVD of Footloose (as I'm sure all of you will whenever it's released), the interview with Kenny Loggins (you know, the guy who just does soundtracks?) is rigged. They told him to do Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon with Laurence Olivier, and then fed him the answers! How cheap! (In case you're interested, it's Olivier to Dustin Hoffman in Marathon Man, Hoffman to Tom Cruise in Rain Man, Cruise to Bacon in A Few Good Men.) I've definitely also learned to keep track of my speech. If ever I'm interviewed, I will be very careful of my "ums" and "uhs," "you knows" and "I means," and sentences that run on for about the length of paragraphs, just for the sake of the transcribers. Lastly, and most importantly, I've learned that the worst possible interview to conduct for transcribers is two college cheerleaders with similar voices, constant giggling, overlapping dialogue, talking about N'Sync. How I made it through that day I'll never know.

Speaking of which, I'm starting to work really hard at getting out of this job. It's interesting, sure, but boring. And hard. I'm not very good at it. Plus, I have to call in every day to see if there's work, and often there's not. So, being flushed with my recent exposure to PA work, I'm pursuing that (more on that in a moment). If I'm going to work as hard as I did those weekends with that small crew, I might as well get paid for it. Wish me luck, I'm sure I'll have much more exciting tales to tell about that.

5/26 - There's a small movie theater here that shows only silent movies. It's really a thrill, as I've always been a big fan of Chaplin, Keaton, and Lloyd. This weekend they were showing Safety Last, the Harold Lloyd comedy that includes the now-famous scene of him hanging off the clock hands at the top of a building. It's a small place, of course, and much more like a big room with seats than an actual theater, but great nonetheless. They had a pianist providing live musical accompaniment, who was just amazing. They opened with three other short films (including a cartoon!) before an intermission and the feature. It was incredible. One of the great things about L.A. is that it is such a movie town. I know that seems rather obvious, but it shows in so many ways. There are about a billion movie theaters; there is always something classic playing somewhere; the theaters brag about their sound systems and digital projection when they can. Best of all, where else can you talk to so many people who are fans and buffs? I was at a party and somehow just randomly got in a conversation about Bergman films. Another guy I know is a big Kurosawa fan. Almost everybody is into the movies, which is just cool I think. Well, everybody except the people who work in Marketing for the studios. There's some law that the people with power over a product can't know or care anything about it I think.

5/29 - Signed up for the Production Assistant's Association to get work. It's probably just a scam, but they did have a lot of good information and contacts. The "training" meeting I went to was very interesting. Of course the second half of it was just promotion for various other classes you can take (for a fee), but the audience is what I was impressed by. I expected it to be almost all college-age kids or recent grads looking jobs, but they made up only about a third. The rest was a group so scattered and varied you wouldn't believe it. There were all ages and all careers, including a registered nurse, civil engineer, and paralegal. All of us with that foolish dream of making it in the movie biz. The instructor even did the old bit about looking at the person left and right of you, and one of them will be gone in two years. Hopefully, that will only be me if I've made it so big I can live in Spain.

Okay, well that's about it for me. Not a very long or entertaining update this time, I'm afraid. I've really been off the ball lately and need to get back on it and work my tail off. There are too many distractions for sure.

Recent good VR mistranslations:

this goes back = discotheque

since he dumped her = simply don't care (spookily relevant)

L.A. Survival Tips: Entertainment

- As I may have mentioned once before, almost everything to do around here involves shopping. I expected that to some extent with Rodeo Drive and the like, but it's everywhere. I have never seen so many malls in my life. Up further north from where I am there's what has to be the world's largest strip center. It stretches for at least a mile. Every store you can think of is located there. I wouldn't be surprised if they have a shuttle within the parking lot. I've also been down to the area with all the resale shops. Vintage clothing is very big right now, with lots and lots of resources. One very weird shop I saw was nothing but old T-shirts. What a scam! They go to any Goodwill or Salvation Army, pick up about a dozen for ten bucks, then sell them there for $10 a piece! Sure, you can get that elusive Barry Manilow concert tee from the 70s, but come on. How many monster truck rally shirts does one person need? I wonder if they'd want any BindView tee's?

- Concerts. Wow. In Houston, you could get pretty excited when a band you wanted to see came to town. Here, every band, comedian, classical musician, you name it, plays here. Everybody. Of course Paul McCartney and The Who, but also Ravi Shankar. And there are always stars on the radio promoting things. Every morning, every radio show has at least one guest that would be considered a big deal in Houston. Not here. They all live here and have nothing better to do on weekday mornings apparently. Memorial Day weekend one station played all 80s music and had musicians from the bands as guest dj's all weekend. Very strange.

Movie Quote Challenge:

Number 1: "I'll be taking these Huggies, and uh, whatever cash you got."

Number 2: "Oh wake up Norma, you'd be killing yourself to an empty house. The audience left twenty years ago."

That's it. Sorry again it wasn't as entertaining as some others, but I'll work on it for next time. Take care.

Greg

Movie Quote Answers:

Congratulations Henry Smith for being the first to correctly identify:

Number 1: Raising Arizona, by Joel and Ethan Coen

Number 2: Sunset Boulevard, by Charles Brackett

Way to go! He's been trying really hard from the beginning and finally got in fast enough!

Mandatory Title: Go Lakers!

It's that time again, and this one's a long one, so let's get rolling!

5/11 - 5/12 - I got to work on a film set! Woo hoo! It was just a small independent film, but super-cool nonetheless. It's called The Politics of Fur, and I believe it's been invited to several of the independent film festivals around the country (apparently one can be invited based on just a rough cut), and stars Katy Selverstone. She played Lisa, Drew Carey's window-dressing girlfriend in the first season of his show, and one of George's girlfriends, the one who didn't respond when he said "I love you." I don't consider her my first "celebrity sighting" though, because we worked together, and I actually spent a lot of time just hanging out and talking with her. Supposedly, when we were doing more filming in a park the following weekend, John C. Reilly walked by. That's the sort of thing that could count as a sighting, except I didn't see him and I have no idea who he is. If it had been Charles Nelson Reilly, now we're talking. Anyway, back to the story.

The following is going to contain lots of high-falootin' Hollywood technical talk, so I'll do my best to keep you up to speed. My job on the set was as a PA (production assistant), which is basically a gofer except that it's about nine levels below a gofer. Anyone and everyone on the set can tell me what to do, and believe me they did. However, I learned quite a bit and got to do a lot of cool stuff. For instance, while I was helping the gaffer (lighting director) set up the "inkies" and "tweenies" (different sizes of spotlights), I learned what a stinger (extension cord) and a three (tripod) are. While I was expanding my vocabulary, I was shown a clothespin and asked what I thought it was called. Trying to go with the flow, I answered "clamp?" Now, this next part is completely true without any embellishment on my part whatsoever: no, she said, they're called C-47s. What the? Of course I had to know why, and when I asked, the three people currently on the set gave me three completely different answers: "They call them that on the budget list so people won't know what it is and they can charge more for them." "That was the label on the drawer where they used to be kept." and "It has to do with the size of the clip." Not wanting to feel left out, I added, "I heard it was because of rationing during WW2, and that was the stamp required to get one." And the gaffer looked at me and said, "Really?" Personally, I suspect in reality it's just another smokescreen by The Man to keep me out of the biz.

One of my duties was to rustle up The Talent (actors, which is a name I'm sure they invented), so I got to spend a lot of time with Katy. I personally had no problems with her, but there were others on the set who were not so fortunate. I witnessed many a scene where she became some sort of diva and insisted on arguing with the director. I think they were shocked to have a PA who had a college education and actually did stuff, because by the end of the first day, I had already been promoted to a Boom operator. This is the guy who holds that huge microphone just out of frame (hopefully) so that the actors can be heard clearly. I didn't ask why it was called a boom, but I imagine it has to do with the sound heard through the headphones when somebody mistakenly rams it into an actor. Not that I did that. The second day, I actually became the sound guy for a few hours. He had taught me how to work the equipment the day before, so when he couldn't make it I was put in charge. It was pretty simple, but it was kind of neat to be doing something a little more essential. Plus, it gave me a reason to be on the set at all times. This was a plus because there was a sex scene involving nudity, so that definitely made it worth it. I would go into more detail, but this is supposed to be a PG-13 newsletter, so you'll just have to use your imagination or ask me about it in person. It wasn't too intense or pornographic, but it did involve two women.

Anyway, I met a lot of really nice people and made some really good contacts. This was very much a small independant film, but that was actually better because everyone knew each other. Plus, I get my name in the credits! I'll be sure to let you know when I make it into the IMDb.

5/15 - I went and saw a really goofy band at the Whiskey-a-Go-Go. First about the Whiskey. This is a very famous club that has debuted bands like The Doors, and most big bands of that era played there. So this is a place with a lot of history as far as rock and roll goes. Unfortunately, except for the outside you would never guess it. The inside is so clean and fresh you would think it was built this year. What a drag. I was expecting graffiti on the wall, beer stained floors, random crap and autographs littering the walls, but there was none of this. Sigh. But on to the band. They were called The Neu Tickles, and they were a German band trying to make it in the US. Despite their thick accents, they sang pretty reasonable English tunes. Horst, the head of the band, played an electric ukulele while The Sexy Mimi Vinyl sang the lead (I'm not just making commentary by calling her sexy, it actually says on her business card (?) Mimi Vinyl, The Sexy). There was a bass player playing an Imac, a violinist, a guitarist, and a drummer. Needless to say they had an unusual sound. I tried very hard to decide who they sounded like. It was almost as if they were emu

lating American bands, but didn't know which ones were still popular. The best description I can come up with is a combination of Devo, The Ramones, and most especially the Bugaloos. A quick "Ein, zvei, drei" before launching into "We are the Neu Tickles" was very strange. Another popular song was Trouser Man, with the rousing chorus, "Take off your pants." All in all, a very strange show. Now, how did I find out about this band, you may ask? Well, I actually work with Mimi Vinyl, except that isn't her real name of

course. She also isn't German. None of the band is. The whole show is some sort of strange farce in which they pretend to be Germans pretending to be rock stars. Definitely entertaining.

5/16 - Star Wars: Episode II: The Attack of the Clones opens. Of course I had to see it. I wanted

to go to Mann's Chinese, but the guy I went with (my friend Ryan) told me that theatre isn't any good anymore.

So we went to the Village Theatre in Westwood. Now this was a cool theatre! It was huge, with a balcony, and ornate decorations throughout, including patterns painted into the ceiling. It was like the River Oaks must have been before they closed off the balcony to make the tiny theatres upstairs. It had an amazing sound system, with bass that almost caused an involuntary bowel movement. Was there a line? Oh yes. The friend who got me the tickets went to the 7:00 am show that day, and had been in line starting at 3:00 am. After that show, he immediately got right back in line. I arrived at about 12:30 for the 3:30 show, and there was still a line all the way around the block. Was it worth it? Well, I won't say anything about the movie itself, but the crowd was definitely worth it. There really weren't any people in costume, but the enthusiasm and cheering and laughing and applause they gave during the movie made it a great experience. Plus, best of all, there was a special feature that supposedly was happening in this theatre alone: They showed the *original* trailer for the first Star Wars from 1977! It was awesome! Talk about bad! There was no music, which of course made things far less dramatic and allowed you to hear the awkward "thunk" of fallen stormtroopers. It was terribly grainy, and they hadn't even developed the trademark lettering for Star Wars yet. Best of all though, was the voice over announcer. He was very 70s, as was the dialog: "It's a story about a boy, a girl, and a universe" and "A movie one billion years in the making." It was classic. This alone was worth the price of admission, I think, because of all the memories it brought back.

5/18 - I went to see The Kids in the Hall at the Wiltern Theatre. They are a comedy troupe that used to have a show that played after Saturday Night Live years ago. The show was pretty good, but the reason I mention it is the theatre. The name comes from the location, on the corner of WILshire and wesTERN (pretty clever, huh?) and it's beautiful. It was larger than the movie theatre I had recently been to, but smaller than the Ariel in Houston. It had all the classic Art Deco designs, and it made you feel like you had been transported back to see a show in the 1940s. There was an actual lobby with a great high ceiling and skylight, there was a nice bar, it was very cool and felt like it had a very interesting history. You know, the kind of place they tear down in Houston. The strangest thing about this tiny little theatre is that it is one of the places The Rolling Stones are playing when they come through. Yeah, good luck getting those tickets.

Whew! Busy week.

Most recent best VR mistranslations:

Thoughts did you = sausages

Rock's first teen idol = rocks burst penile

LA Survival Tips: Drivers

- Unlike Texas, where one out of three cars on the road is either an SUV or truck of some kind, in L.A. there are only about one in ten. In fact, I would put the breakdown like this: of ten cars, three are Mercedes, three are BMWs, one is an SUV, and the last two are "other." This offers less chance of having your vision blocked by a monster vehicle, but greatly increases the cost of any wreck you might be in.

- On the other hand, nine out of ten drivers are using their cell phones. Of those nine, three are usually putting on make-up or eating fast food as well. This of course is not much different from the rest of the country.

- Speeding is not as important as accelerating. It doesn't matter if there is an open lane into which a driver could easily pass another, it is more important to rush up as close as possible to the back bumper. After a few seconds of this, it is time to find another car to follow closely. This is true in other cities as well, but L.A. just seems to have a passion and dedication to this style of driving.

- I was told by some friends who grew up out of Texas that when learning to drive they called a wide turn that crossed several lanes a "Texas Turn." They thought it was just called this because it was so large, like the state, until they moved there and discovered that that is indeed how turns are made in Texas. I had a similar experience. When I was learning to drive, when you just barely came to a stop at a stop sign but really were just cruising through it, it was called a "California Stop." I too mistakenly associated the term with the perceived laid back attitude of Californians. Not so. In California, you cannot afford to come to a full stop at a stopsign, as that may prevent you from ever getting through it. Also, when so many people park on the streets, you're completely past the stop sign before you can even tell if it's clear to go or not. In essence, L.A. doesn't have any yield signs, they just put up stop signs instead.

Movie Quote Challenge:

Number 1: "If I'm here, and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? And certainly there's nothing wrong with a little feast on our time."

Number 2: "I thought we had decided not to fall in love. That we would be living a lie. That it would destroy our lives."

That's all I got for now. Have a great week, I'll talk to you soon.

Greg

Movie Quote Answers:

Dale Prasek was the first to correctly identify both quotes, and also the first repeat winner we've had. Should I disqualify him? Nah.

Number 1: Fast Times at Ridgemont High, written by Cameron Crowe

Number 2: Star Wars: Episode 2: Attack of the Clones, screenplay by George Lucas and Jonathan Hales