Terrible Poker

So, the other day I was able to play poker with my friend Rich and his regular poker group. These are a bunch of married guys who play tournament style on the first Saturday of every month. Not only is there money for the tournament that night, but you can win points based on your finishing position. Rich does very well, and last year won the whole year on points.

I, on the other hand, have not played in over a year. This made me nervous, which is never a good way to play poker. Without going into what would be a long and boring story, suffice it to say I played terribly. It was just plain awful. I wasn't the first out, but only by a few minutes. I'm still glad I went, but it sucks when you don't have a job and you blow $50 playing poker. That voice inside your head keeps reminding you of bills, groceries, rent, etc.

But the real point of my post has to do with the aftermath. I decided to buy a book on poker (specifically Texas Hold 'Em) so that when I go next month (oh yes, I'll be back) I'll play at a respectable level. I just wanted something simple that covered the basic strategies, the lingo, and maybe talked a little about pot odds. A guy at the tournament had a tiny, pocket-sized Dummy's Guide to poker, and that would have been perfect.

I was unable to find that Dummy's Guide or even an Idiot's Guide that wasn't too expensive. But I did find an Everything book. Apparently, these are some sort of knock-off like the other two. It was less than $10, so it seemed perfect.

Well, it kinda sucks. I'm going to read the whole thing anyway, because I'm sure I'll pick up some useful information. Unfortunately, the book is constantly using hip poker lingo without really explaining it. Sometimes, it comes across as using it just to show how cool they are and how uncool I am for being confused. And that's another thing-- for being a helpful guide, it really isn't very helpful. Too often they gloss over things that I would have preferred to have explained more clearly.

But hey, it's just a dumb poker book. However, there was this one paragraph I read that just sent me over the top. My last post was about terrible writing on TV, so I couldn't let this one go without a comment here. Have you ever heard of a mixed metaphor? Well check this out:

Think of your hole cards as your new bar squeeze at closing time. The flop will sober you up quickly, and suddenly the squeeze can appear a lot different. Other times, your hole cards will stay true and faithful, but it's still a long way to that mountaintop where the pot of gold awaits. If you're still in there swinging, you want to be aggressive. The flop is no place for the faint of heart.

What the hell? That first sentence alone is probably wacky enough for a post, but then it just keeps going. "Okay, so my hole cards are like some chick I'm trying to pick up at the end of the night when I'm drunk and desperate, and when the last call lights come on she could end up being hideous or pretty, but then I have to go climbing and hope I find a leprechaun, because if I'm still at bat, I have to be brave." Huh? The whole book is like that. There's another quote I wanted to put in here, but I can't remember where it is. Basically, it was so overloaded with poker jargon as to be indecipherable. I guess that's to make the reader feel cool when he finally figures out what the writer is talking about.

Anyway, the bottom line is that I may need another poker book. Hopefully, I can find something cheap that isn't as ridiculous as this one. My goals for the next tournaments are on three levels. My primary goal for every tournament, I would like to do better than the previous one (that should be easy for March). My secondary goal is to make it to the final table. My tertiary goal is to win money. I expect to meet my primary goal every time, but I don't expect to meet the others for a few more tournaments at least. We shall see.